Being PC game control illiterate, it’s a condition and I’m very sensitive about it, the thought to own this game never crossed my mind until it was ported over to Xbox 360 last week, therefore infringing on my turf. I make it my mission to play as many games as I can and this certainly wasn’t going to escape me. I would show those PC nerd bullies once and for all!

Upon downloading the game I was greeted with a retro main menu and the message “Do not stare directly at the bugs”, I do enjoy a game with self aware humour and humour this game has, maybe not humour in the normal terms though as this game has you laughing at yourself . You will go mad. Especially when your friends who are busy slaughtering infinite numbers of G.I’s in Call of duty ask you what you’re doing and you have to explain to them that you’ve just found an iron ore vein and you simply must mine it…YOU MUST! And for hours on end you will smash pick axe to stone , minutes turn to hours, hours to days, days to weeks. A beard will form . Friends may try to talk you down, but are they just trying to delay you so that they can get their hands on your fruitful mine. No, surely not, you’ve been friends for years. Wait, did you tell them you found that one block of gold? Oh no…

I’ve heard that the PC version just puts you slap-bang in the middle of nowhere and leaves you to your own devices like a neglectful nanny.  Thankfully the Xbox 360 version has a tutorial, like a regular nanny. In this tutorial you will learn the basics of how to survive and that’s what this game is, it’s all about survival and progression.

You are first asked to name your world and then name the seed that you want your world to be born from. These seeds can be made up of words, phrases or numbers to create around 18 quintillion, 4 billion different worlds (I had no idea how to write this number down) This means that there are practically endless variations of landscapes you can explore making every players experience different. One seed may be full of lush green hills, large lakes, forests and waterfalls whilst another may be a  flat desert with snowy mountains, many deep caverns and lava (Yes, they are that random). Once you choose your seed name you’re dumped into the world, free to decide where to go and what to do next.

I, of course, spawned in the middle of an ocean and had to swim for the nearest land. The first dry area was occupied by a vast forest which was a perfect place to start. I was told by a friend that the first night is the hardest and I soon found out why as I spent mine in a 4″ by 4″ mud hut, having forgotten to build torches or a bed i was in complete darkness with my only company being the growls and hisses from the creatures who knew this world better than I. From then on I planned my days down to the second… and still my curiosity  drove me away from the tasks at hand. It’s very easy to get side tracked as there is always something new to find which makes this game so addictive.

The game plays like a Caveman Simulator, you must gather resources to make items and use these items to create, build, eat, mine and defend yourself.  Gathering wood grants you the opportunity to build wooden planks which in turn gives you sticks, sticks can be turned into tools such as pick-axes, shovels, swords, wood axes and hoes. You will use pick-axes to mine stone and use the stone to build stronger tools. You will need to hunt animals to use their meat as food and their hides for armour. You will have to turn your houses into secure and functional headquarters, equipped with furnaces to smelt and cook, craft tables to build and combine and chests to store your trinkets and treasures.

There is no real aim to this game, there are no quests, no antagonist or damsels in distress. There is just a little man in a Huge resource rich, sand-box world trying to get by. If I told you that this game is basically a mining simulator with graphics older than your favourite teddy bear (which is exactly what I’m telling you) you would think I was mad to enjoy it… and maybe I am, but this game will bring out the hunter gatherer in you. You’ll be collecting all the stone you can get your blocky little mitts on to build monumental castles, maybe in the sky or even in the sea. You’ll be thrilled that you found 3 blocks of gold in a mine you’ve been working on for 14 hours. Nothing will beat the satisfaction of obtaining enough iron ore to kit yourself out in some snazzy, shiny armour and nothing will devastate you more than a creeper sleuthing up to your door and exploding your newly built abode. This game will take you on an emotional rollercoaster (as well as a real rollercoaster). I’ve been happy, sad, excited, enraged, confused, scared and lonely… and that was just the first night.

The enemies in Minecraft are much like bad guys kids would dream up. There are skeletons, giant spiders, zombies, creepers and more when you reach the deeper caverns of your world. Now, you can build your weapons and run in swords flailing but if you’re like me you will cower in the safety of you house and wait until morning, you can also sleep the night away if you have the provisions to make a bed. In the morning the skeletons and zombies burn in the sun, leaving the days relatively safe to go about your business.

Although the soundtrack only consists of a few pieces of music, C418 (its composer)  has  somehow managed to not let it get repetitive or annoying. The tracks either sound upbeat and playful, which accompanies your exploring perfectly or very melodic and sombre bringing together piano and synthesizer to create a vast and lonely atmosphere which really struck me on my aforementioned first night in the Minecraft world.

The multiplayer is implemented superbly in Minecraft. Up to 8 players over xbox live can play in the same world which can be mix and matched with the 4 player split-screen option. Adding players is seamless, For players to join you over Xbox live you’ve only to hit the back button and choose who to invite, to join you on the same TV in split-screen the other players have only to turn their controllers on and press start. I’ve sometimes been put off by games that sport a multiplayer function where players can jump into their friends game and help them out and upon leaving receive nothing to help out their own campaign. Having felt used and emotionally abused by these, I wasn’t expecting to be fulfilled by jumping into someone else’s world and helping them build a Utopia… I was pleasantly surprised.

Every player starts with a map, which is essential for finding your partner in mine and you spend your days exchanging ideas which you can use in your  own world.  Every map is huge enabling you to have your own holiday houses in your friends’ worlds so you know you have something to come back to when you play with them again. Also, upon your return you will be given everything you collected from before, so you can hold on to what you fought and mined so hard for or you can leave it in a chest for your friend to use. Playing Minecraft with my friends brought on a huge wave of nostalgia in that it reminded us of playing with Lego or exploring wooded secret hide outs like when we were kids, “Come over here, look what I found”, “This is my watch tower so we can see where the monsters are coming from” and 20 years later we are saying the exact same things in the exact same way in a computer game.

It’s no wonder Minecraft has such a huge community and fan base, It’s simple, addictive and fun. It’s the unattractive girl with the great personality, and you know you always have more fun with them.

If you like your sand-box adventure games vast, fun, with a great multiplayer and full of charm or if you’ve been waiting years for a decent mining simulator to come out then this would be a wise purchase indeed.

Minecraft is available on Xbox Live Arcade for 1600 points.

I first saw Dustforce several years ago when it was just a little beta test and I knew it had promise at the time. Now it’s all grown up and had its first Steam Sale, I snapped it up and promptly had my buttocks handed to me by my own ham handedness.

This is where I normally talk about the story, but there really isn’t one. You pick one of four colourful cleaners and run around the levels clearing up rubbish, leaves, dust and radioactive waste in levels based on streets, forests, castles and science laboratories.

The gameplay focuses heavily on maintaining your momentum as you run up walls, along ceilings and very occasionally on the floor, you automatically sweep dirt from any surface you run on so the levels play out as a mad dash to sweep up as much as possible in as little time as possible and with as clean a combo as possible.

The controls are incredibly tight and fluid, especially when you’re playing with a keyboard, and while the game is incredibly unforgiving at times, you are never left feeling that there’s anyone to blame other than yourself. When you die you immediately get put back to the last checkpoint, the only loss being to your pride and your final score at the end of the level. Perfectionists beware; you’re in for a world of hurt.

There are enemies that roam the level as well that you have to clean up with swipes from your broom, but rather than kill you they reset your combo meter, a fate worse than death if you’re trying for a perfect score but merely a nuisance if you’re just enjoying the flow. It makes all of the real difficulty feel self inflicted rather than forced upon you.

The game reminds me of a more complex but less violent version of Super Meat Boy with its fiendishly difficult platforming, fluid motion and great sense of style. I have no hope in hell of ever getting anywhere with this game, but I love playing it all the same.

Everything about the game feels oddly meditative, even though you’re flailing around at breakneck speed you’re listening to calming music, watching serene scenery and getting more and more immersed in the serene flow of this game.

There’s also a multiplayer, but I haven’t had a chance to play it yet, I’ll be sure to let you know what I think when I actually work out how to find it in the game’s map.

As it stands, Dustforce is a brilliantly original and polished title that will keep you playing time and again even if you have absolutely no idea why.

You can buy Dustforce here on Steam. If you love your platforming games I cannot recommend this highly enough.

With Diablo III comes 5 classes that you can jump straight into the action with, the Witch Doctor, Barbarian, Wizard, Monk and the Demon Hunter. All the classes have their own individual spells and attacks and can only equip certain types of armour depending on their class, this is very similar to Diablo 2 but why fix something that wasn’t broken to begin with? Although it has a lot of similarities to its predecessor, that’s to be expected, but the differences help make this game catch up with the current generation without losing its integrity.

Firstly, this is still a point and click adventure with your spells bound to your mouse keys but it feels right, moving with the keys would feel wrong and lose its charm . The graphics are stunning and each environment clearly has been given a lot of love and attention, most of the objects can break causing them to become death traps to your unsuspecting enemies, from chandeliers that crash down from the roof to rickety walls that can crush those in its path. From the small part of the story you get to play through you learn about the character development that can be customised fight to fight to give you the edge when you need it, its very simple but it works well. Instead of a skill tree that you put points in to as you level up, you unlock new abilities on certain levels that can be interchanged depending on what you feel is right for the situation, giving the player the freedom of choice to play how they want. You can then develop certain spells to gain certain attributes, like an arrow shot can bounce between targets instead of just hitting one, this may not seem like much but when you are facing a horde of enemies this can be a life saver.

The items in this game are varied and plentiful, based loosely on what Blizzard have done in other games giving you a wide array of options and the higher quality weapons/armour have randomized stats that may or may not help your character. However, with the amount of loot you will find though from chests, random enemies and even special enemies you are never far from an upgrade that will help your characters vanquish the forces of evil.

As much as I would like to complain about the server stability, the beta was open as a stress test so I can’t hold anything against Blizzard for that. It was their intention to be able to see what they could handle so the folks on release day weren’t disappointed by a non working game.

Although I only had a short time playing this and only had the opportunity to get comfortable with one of the classes more in-depth this is definitely looking like a well made, long-awaited success. They may have waited over 10 years but at least they came back with something that looks and plays fantastically. If you were a Diablo fan before or like your adventures with a progressing story and character this is definitely one you should be getting.

There is a lot more I would like to say about this game, but that will have to wait for the full releases review when everything is implemented.

And on top of that we’ve got fun stuff for you!

K-9 MM. The only ammunition that’s also your best friend!

Happy Wheels. The first and last game where you pull sick stunts on a Segway.

User generated levels? Check. Gore and violence? Check. Hilarious fun? Oh hell yeah!

Click the image to check it out.

Or play it here.

I wish all my business could be done like this.

The guys at Blizzard know how to make someone feel special!

The Kiss. How fighting over a girl can escalate really quickly.

Mafuta: A fat Hamster’s quest to save its baby.

If this is really just from the first year of Animation school, I can’t wait to see their dissertation!

The only Hunger Games adaptation you will ever need.

I’m currently reading the Battle Royale novel and I’m probably going to get lynched for saying this. The Hunger Games is just Battle Royale if the whole ‘make a bunch of kids fight to the death’ set up actually made any sense.

Plus, I don’t see Battle Royale with Beany Babies anywhere!

I love how it’s more faithful to the original novel than the film in places. I hope we see more stuff like this in future.

Telltale Games have managed to bring you episodic gaming at its finest. With only the first episode to immerse yourself into at the moment, it still provides you with a very full, rich story that will want you to experience the rest.

Instead of your standard 3^rd person or 1^st person zombie shooter this is something quite different, this is an action, adventure, role playing game all combined into a neat, user friendly package. Rather than focusing on the zombies The Walking Dead focuses on its roots and the emotions of the characters that help build the story. The decisions you make affect the entire game and the outcome as the episodes continue, meaning you could have a completely different experience to someone else playing the game.

The game centres around a new character called Lee Everett. As you start the game up you’re in the back of a police car on your way to jail, you have no idea exactly what crime you committed but that was never really the point, you may be a killer but you have a second chance thanks to the kind, thoughtful zombies. As you progress through this ever unfolding story you learn more about yourself and the other characters that follow you through this journey. With dialogue options like a typical role playing game that allow you to decide how much you want to give away to others, it is up to you to allow your character to evolve. You can say nothing and simply let the conversation be one sided or plead your case and hope that the others see you for who you really are. All conversations and decisions have a timer that can effect whether you or the fellow survivors live or if they make a decision without your input. There’s a lot that can change simply from making one choice. When you encounter your first zombie it isn’t the case of wanting to bash its brains in and be a hero, it’s a case of survival. You are a scared man unsure of what’s happening and simply fighting for his life.

As the game continues the characters you meet will affect your future, depending who you chose to side with and who you chose to trust will alter the course of the game. You will stop along the way to meet up with a host of colourful characters who are either selfish or simply want to live like you and you have small objectives to complete. Picking up items in certain areas will favour you with certain people, while finding items like batteries and keys are a necessity to continue along your struggle. Your back story develops as you meet more people who know who you are or when you confess your past to people you trust along the way. With special appearances from the original cast of The Walking Dead you do at times feel a connection to the original story which helps you relate a bit more to what’s happening but as a story that follows a different path to the original comic/TV show it is refreshing to see the series exploring a new view and angle over the apocalypse.

With games like Left 4 Dead and Dead Rising you don’t feel so much that zombies are a real threat to your existence. OK they are still brain hungry walking corpses that still make you run away like a little girl at times while you watch your friends being torn apart on the floor, but with the sheer amount of zombies and the fact you have a huge amount of ammo it isn’t that daunting for the majority of it. With The Walking Dead every zombie is a killing machine that gives you that feeling of dread, hopelessness and foreboding. They’re hard to kill and they threaten your chance of survival. It has that zombie apocalypse feeling that just one of them is enough to turn you into dinner.

Following the comic’s style of drawing the game looks visually stunning, with what looks like very nicely cell shaded hand drawn characters and environments that can be dark, depressing and despairing to light, hopeful and airy depending on what the game needs you to feel. Although the occasional glitchiness and badly synced voicing I don’t have the heart to punish this game as everything else was so well done. The controls themselves are very simplistic and can be constituted as button bashing at points but it feels right in every way. This game isn’t about the graphics or the controls; it’s about the experience, the emotions, and the choices you make. You really have that feeling of not knowing how you’re going to survive this apocalypse and when the game needs you to it makes the simplest task of moving your controller seem like a desperate act to stay alive.

Ultimately this is a rich, moody story that is written very well and I have high hopes for the rest of the episodes to continue to surprise me and entice me in. With the first episode alone at least taking you 3 hours to complete this isn’t a short, quick, unloving story, there is depth and backstory where needed.  The episodic gaming really helps aid this game as you have the suspense of having to wait to find out what happens to Lee and the other people around him that help make this game something special.

At 400 MP for each episode on the Xbox marketplace or about £20 for the PC/PS3 season pass (basically paying for all 5 episodes in advance) this is a definite one to buy. If you like zombies, The Walking Dead TV series or the comics or even an emotional story that will pull you in this is worth every penny and definitely one you should add to your collection.

From Mario I gained the all important life lesson that is “Women are ungrateful and doing nice things for them will get you nowhere with them”. You can traverse bottomless pits, fight hordes of disgruntled, fang-toothed Goombas, spiky sand spheres, giant plumber-gobbling sea beasts and… well, pretty content, docile turtles .To top it all off you go toe to toe with a dinosaur… in her honour. For all this you are rewarded with… a kiss. A lousy kiss, not even a sloppy frencher, a kiss on the cheek! I would’ve demanded a kiss to my other cheeks as a sign of understanding what I had to go through.

From Braid I learnt not to try too hard with women because you can drive yourself insane.
The same advice as Mario, just a different lesson plan. The game is a whole visual representation of the inner psyche of our favourite love-struck Italian plumber.

From Fez you learn a philosophy.

You are Gomez, an anthropomorphic little pixel person with a strange shaped head who lives in a studio apartment in a small pixel village in a beautifully scenic Pixeltopia. You find him sleeping the day away until he gets a letter in his mailbox from an old pixel man asking you to come speak to him at the top of your village. When you arrive you find he has the look of a man who has ‘seen some things and done some stuff’. Resembling a veteran from Space invaders the old man is huddled over his cane wearing an eye patch and a… what’s that… A FEZ! A dirty looking Fez at that. After greeting you and concluding that “It’s Gomez time” you are whisked away by a giant gold cube who showers you in nonsensical gibberish, plants a nice shiny new Fez on your noggin’ and sends you on your way with the power to alter your perception and criss-cross between dimensions.

Gomez is finding out that there is a world outside of his own and that his existence doesn’t solely consist of his bed, his drum kit and the path outside his house (which closely resembles my existence). There is a whole 3^rd dimension that literally flips his world upside down… well, sideways anyway allowing him to venture away from his comfort zone in search of the all important Hexahedrons.

Fez is a 2D/3D puzzler in the guise of an old school platformer brought to life beautifully by the very interesting, very cool Trixel engine. This is no linear left to right affair, this is a free-roam environment that has more in common with an RPG map than Super Marios D-Pad orienteering level select.

Navigating these levels means going through places to get to places. The only A to B comes in the form of warp gates that are dotted around and provide the choice to travel back to “some kind of important door place” where you can check your map and decide where to go next. Adventuring through the various scenic levels is fun whilst also warranting the donning of a thinking cap which comes free with the game (Thinking cap does not actually exist, it is a metaphor and is not a physical piece of head gear. It certainly does not come free with the game).

Unlike that guy who paces up and down your town centre collecting cigarette butts there is nothing to unnecessarily collect which is dissimilar to other platform games. No coins, rings, stars, buttons, pieces of lint or discarded chocolate wrappers clogging up the levels, there are however golden cubes, anti-cubes and artifacts. These are trinkets that do well to be the objectives of the levels whilst furthering the longevity of the game once you’ve completed the main campaign, making you want to play through a second or third time. There are no bad guys and there is no time limit, all things you might expect from this genre, there is only exploration and the mission to save the world and I haven’t seen a world as worthy of saving in a long time.

Although there are no enemies, there are black holes that seem to randomly appear in levels that you’ve been traipsing through. These won’t attack you or hurl abusive language at innocent little Gomez’s ears, they will instead hang around your regularly travelled paths generally loitering, making you go an alternate route to your destination. However if you’re not watching where you’re going or misjudge a  jump and fall into one of these black holes you will be treated to an wonderful little animation of our hero getting sucked into oblivion. If you are unfortunate enough to get blown out into space don’t fret, you have only to go back to where you were last on solid ground. Another thing that makes this game great, it doesn’t punish you for your mistakes. The levels aren’t your enemies, the puzzles are and this game wants to help you on your way. Taking you back to the beginning of the level or taking away a 1up for falling from a great height would be like taking a gentle stroll through a park on a beautiful summers day and having someone jump out and kick you in the groin. You are exploring a new and enthralling land and the great humans at Polytron have granted you no interruptions.

The creators of Fez clearly want you to enjoy the ride and only ask you to get your head down when it comes to the puzzles. These puzzles range from fun and solvable to extremely difficult, leaving you desperate to crack them. It’s not the kind of difficult that makes you turn off your console and leave the game, unplayed and exposed to collect the dust that falls behind the Call of Dutys’ and Halos on your shelf (good luck, it’s XBLA and has no box, score 1 point to Polytron).

The puzzles that you WILL get stuck on send you in search of answers and your first port of call will probably be Youtube. But really, can any of you honestly say you haven’t turned to the internet for answers to Braid, ilomilo or Portal?… YOU DIDN’T! Then go fill out that application to NASA you’ve been “Um”ing and “Arr”ing about and get yourself on the damned moon! These puzzles are smart, sometimes maybe too smart, but instead of excluding anyone they invite you to learn a little something that you wouldn’t normally encounter in your average day.

The puzzles mostly consist of spinning the level around in the correct sequence, finding the correct sequences is the hard part. These button arrangements resemble old school Megadrive and Snes cheats, you have the D-pads up, down, left and right, the jump button and the triggers to spin the level. The sequences can be found absolutely anywhere so the harder puzzles will take a keen eye for detail, they are found on signs, walls, in the form of tetromino shapes in the sky and even in the stars. But they aren’t all just spelled out for you. Fez’s universe has its own unique alphabet and numerical system that looks nothing like ours and to solve the later puzzles you are going to need to get comfortable with them. You just don’t see this level of depth in block buster releases and it’s great to see it from a game with an XBLA budget.

The sound track and sound effects are a midi-masterpiece. The game has a soothing, peaceful tone which coincides with the aesthetics perfectly, turning to a much more dramatic score in the darker levels.

The 3 dimensional screen twisting mechanic is the real stand out function in this game as you use it in every aspect of your adventuring and it’s completely unique. You would think Gomez would want to shout from the roof tops informing the towns folk that he has an amazing new super power, but he acts nonchalant and the other residents don’t even seem to care. But Gomez’s blasé approach and the other residents ignorance only boosts the charm and simplicity of the game. Saying that, the juxtaposition of simple gameplay and melon-mixing puzzles is superb.

Fez is one of the most important XBLA titles out there, it’s different, entertaining and fun. For the time you play Fez you are transported back to the origins of 2D platforming where creating entire worlds with just a few pixels was only just becoming a possibility.

If you are a fan of games that aren’t afraid to push the envelope and create a unique experience much like Braid, if you are disappointed at the lack of intelligent puzzlers out there or if you are looking for a game that you and your child can enjoy equally in different ways then this would be a wise purchase indeed.

Fez is a beautifully crafted pixelated masterpiece that goes alot deeper than its 2 dimensional facade.

For those of you that don’t know, JRPG stands for Japanese Role Play Game, role play games typically involve you setting out on an epic quest to save the world by building your character up to become stronger and take on bigger and bigger threats until you can take on the boss. The Final Fantasy series did this really well for a long time, but when the seventh game in the series rocked people’s worlds with the death of a major character and the protagonist dealing with a troubled past… Japanese studios seemed to think this was the only thing people wanted. So we lost worlds to roam and challenges to face in favour of bigger hair and weirder costumes.

The game follows Yuri Lowell, a sarcastic but well meaning rogue who finds his neighbourhood water source has been sabotaged by a crooked wizard and he sets out to exact vigilante justice with his dog at his side, his rampage lasts a grand total of five minutes and he finds himself thrown in prison at the royal castle. Yuri doesn’t have time for doing time so he breaks out and bumps into Estelle, a girl with absolutely no skill in hiding the fact she’s obviously a princess trying to escape from the castle as well. Eventually Yuri finds himself involved in thwarting a plot that could destroy the very world itself.

Along the way you collect a team of assorted characters with their own stories, motivations and abilities. For the first time in my whole life I’ve found I didn’t hate any of them, everybody in this game is actually likeable from Estelle who is sheltered but genuinely sweet to Raven, the thief whose status as ‘team pervert’ seems more tongue in cheek than creepy.

As RPG’s go, it doesn’t attempt to do anything particularly new, it just strives to do it well. It just so happens that it does it very, very well. I never thought I’d miss a world-map, but modern JRPG’s have avoided them in favour of corridor shaped scenery. The game may be mostly linear with a few side-quests but the humble world map makes it feel like you have so much more freedom to wander around if you missed something before or just want to see something again. It gives you a sense of familiarity with the world, and by extension a feeling like you live somewhere you actually want to save.

When the team goes into battle mode it plays out more like a beat-em-up with you controlling one character and delivering orders to your teammates. If you have friends over you can have them pick up a controller and join in the fun. While an RPG isn’t exactly the kind of game to use co-op when it’s difficult enough to keep up with the plot and all your abilities as it is, it’s a welcome addition and probably a great experience to share with friends.

Vesperia delivers so many things I’ve been missing from modern RPG’s. Final Fantasy and Eternal Sonata made me feel they’d become corridors that thought all we wanted was pretty but pointless graphics and people bitching about how much they hate being so powerful and being on an adventure across the world.

JRPG’s lost their way a long time ago, they cling on to the features that were originally there to hide the seams and defects you got from old technology and they dropped the things that made them popular in the first place. Turn based combat, equipment and levelling up have remained while likeable characters and a compelling story have been left behind. Vesperia harkens back to when we still had our cake and ate it.

Tales is available on Xbox Live Arcade for Twenty Quid in Xbox Points and if you enjoyed the old Final Fantasy games it is more than worth the price of admission.

We’ve got a lot of lost time to make up, so I’ll keep it quick.

An already amazing Left 4 Dead fan film takes an unexpected turn.

I haven’t played any of the Left 4 Dead games much, but I can’t help but love a well crafted homage to a game like this… or should I say games?

Go Right, a thoughtful look at videogames.

You go right… it’s almost hypnotic

Things go sour in a confrontation on Middle Earth.

Wow, this is awkward. Reminds me of my last family reunion.

Vytautas Mineral Water. More manly than Powerthirst!

You heard me, this is even better than the Powerthirst videos. I’d buy a bottle if it probably didn’t cost a left testicle or something.

Speaking of testicles… the greatest FIFA action replay ever!

I’m sorry, there are no words, just watch and be amazed.

The best way to remove a bra with one hand.

I always found it really hard to remove a bra, mainly because I’ve never seen one. But this video makes it incredibly easy!

Goku shuts down a Ho in style!

Incredibox. The only beat-boxing simulator you’ll ever need!

Exactly what it says on the tin. Mix and match different elements to make your favourite ‘choones.’

Check it out here or click the image!

See you next week for more amazing stuff like reviews, podcasts and the kind of Fridays that Rebecca Black would be envious of!

Although the campaign is not something that is incredibly long it is very rich. The characters, the scenery, the story and the audio all make for a very pleasing experience. The levels are a good length and leave your “heroes” in a war torn expanse that is action packed through and through. Although the first level can feel slow to start with you are thrown straight into the action very quickly. The game continues through a story through a few characters eyes, all linking back to Staff Sgt Blackburns long struggle through this war.

Each scenario has a high level of detail, with the frostbite 2 engine allowing that slightly more realistic feeling. Seeing buildings crumble around you, dust being thrown into the air by a passing jet or an explosion from a nearby grenade adds to the atmosphere, with the aid of a very well done audio track to accompany. Everything sounds as it should and in certain levels the sounds in particular really help you feel what is actually going on around you.

The campaign is definitely worth a play through or 2 and really does stand out amongst the crowd of other FPSs out there. The only thing I can fault the campaign on is easily corrupted save files if your console accidentally switches off etc. Can mean you have to start right from the beginning again and although the game is fun enough to play through again can feel quite tedious if you’re only doing that to get back to where you were before.

Onto the multiplayer now, if I was reviewing this couple of weeks ago this part would have been very different. With a recent patch to “address issues” they seem to have caused more problems than before. The only issue I saw before really was the power of shotguns with frag rounds in, which did admittedly get fixed. Unfortunately other things they seem to have “addressed” have taken some getting used to again and actually make the vehicles slightly useless. The vehicles armour is now fragile and makes you feel like you’re driving round a tank made of glass. They’re not that bad that a small rock will blow you up, but the chances of surviving a rocket are now far less likely.

Also the suppression system they’ve changed is more “realistic” but somewhat more annoying. If you open fire first the opponent has reduced damage and accuracy so unless you run for cover you’re most likely dead. Although it has its flaws it’s still an amazing multiplayer with a lot of merits that make it stand out on its own for what it has to offer.

With 4 character classes to choose from, you have nice varied options to having the soldier you want. You can change your equipment and weapons mid game when you die to easily customise to what’s going on around you and even change the load out of vehicles too. The jets, tanks, helicopters are a lot of fun to use, with dog fights going on above the battlefield or a tank rolling in to destroy a building the enemies are hiding in there is always something fun happening. The rent a server feature they’ve recently added is good fun too, allowing you to customise the rules as you see fit and having the kind of experience you want.

The maps themselves are huge, with 3 game modes that are all fun to play. With the Rush mode every time you take out the bomb sites the map grows making the scenario push up giving you a slightly less repetitive feeling as the map is changing around you. With no places for campers to hide as a large proportion of the buildings can be blown up you don’t feel like every corner is going to be your death as you move through forests or a city to capture a new point, although the sniper nests can be nasty if you haven’t got your own snipers or aircraft taking them out.

Overall with a multiplayer so large I could go on for hours about every little thing that is good and bad about it but ultimately even with its flaws it’s a nice refreshing experience that really does capture a chaotic war well. If you’re into your FPSs and want something with some punch to it, this is definitely what you want. It has this raw feeling to it while feeling polished that it’s hard to bring out in most FPSs. The campaign once again was worth playing through for a good story and to experience what the frostbite 2 engine can do. If you haven’t got it already make sure you do.

So the change in me from absolute indifference to genuine intrigue when I saw the new trailer for Black Ops 2 is amazing.

I’m gonna admit, it’s not paying more than full game price on launch day amazing, but still mildly amusing.

UPDATE: Tim found a ‘Gameplay’ trailer as well.

Today’s guest post comes courtesy of Sam Watson, a former colleague of mine from Gamestation.

Scott Tenorman has the right to be pissed; at first he was tricked into eating his own parents by South Parks Eric Cartman, and then his revenge has been scripted into a disappointing arcade game that was looked forward to by many South Park fans.

The premise of the game is that our four favourite foul mouthed characters (Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny) must chase Scott Tenorman through time and space to recover their stolen Xbox 360 hard drive so they don’t have to watch all the LA Noir cut scenes again. The game is basically a four- player co-op platformer that sounds like a south park fans wet dream however as the first cut scene rolls to the end things start to go horribly wrong.

Each playable character has their own unique ability which allows for access to different stages through the game when used.  For example Cartman can belly bash through walls and Kyle can use his “Day Walker” powers to get through ginger check points, there are sections in the game where you transform into their superhero personalities that allow Kyle to glide to unreachable sections as the Human Kite etc.  The reasons for these powers are to collect collectibles and time crystals through each stage, however another flaw of the game design is revealed here. A certain amount of time crystals is needed to unlock the next stage so if playing alone without your partners in crime then be prepared to play through levels again and again and again which is made worse by the fact you can only change characters after completing a level.

To solve this problem you could hit up co-op mode however more game killing mechanics are exposed.  The camera pans so slowly it just cannot cope with following multiple players so expect dying off screen a lot, even climbing a ladder slightly quicker causes problems for other players. Another problem I noticed was the clunky jumping system which is most likely due to the commitment to making the game look like the show however this is a fun killer, especially when the levels are so chaotic that you can get killed by an enemy that hasn’t even shown itself on screen. To kill enemies you can jump on them like any standard 2-D platformer but you can also collect weapons such as baseball bats to finish them off,  however the enemies have a poorly implemented collision detection so you are just as likely to take damage as cause it.

The best things about this game are the visuals and references to the television series.  Many characters from the series make an appearance ranging from ManBearPIg to Butters, all the characters are correctly voiced and their indivudal mannerisms shine though. The game contains a few humorous moments but not enough to draw you attention away from the games terrible design. My advice is even if you are a South Park fan like me you should avoid spending your precious Microsoft points on this arcade title, I’m Super Cereal.

I would write more but the game isn’t worth your time or mine. Screw you guys I’m Going home

Unfortunately that was a short lived hope, as I started to immerse myself into, well, not a lot really. The game is centred around a character called Kilo. A character that throughout the campaign you get no attachment for, its more of an uncomfortable journey with someone you’ve been forced to be with. As much as I wish I could relate in some way to this game I honestly felt disappointed. Each mission lasts about 10 to 15 minutes and the plot is very up in the air. You aren’t treated to much of a narrative other than talking to your employees and I wasn’t even convinced that the route they decide is that appropriate. In between murdering civilians who are begging for your help and walking through environments filled with blacks and blues with the occasional hint of fire you go against your enemies that I’m pretty sure had no idea why they were there either.

With the loving light bloom happening more often than I wanted and blocking out my view meaning I wasn’t even sure what I was running to and your DART-6 bio chip making everything but the enemy a shade of black you don’t feel much love for the level design.The customisation of the character is limited to choices that don’t make you feel any more powerful or safe and the boss fights don’t exactly feel that special or you’ve accomplished much seeing as you aren’t even sure who these deadly enemies are until the end.

Now you may feel that this doesn’t sound much fun but honestly, the actual combat wasn’t

that bad at all. In fact I really enjoyed ploughing down a large group of enemies in quick succession. Although the weapons aren’t anything new, combine that with a semi decent cover system and a decent aim
The ability to hack grenades and rockets mid air to either defuse them or return the rocket to the sender is another new twist that makes this something that anyone can enjoy. Got a giant turret in your way? That’s fine too, breach it and it will attack everything but you. On a few occasions too you are given the power of the mini gun, something that although making the area suddenly incredibly easy gives you that moment of satisfaction that makes the last few tedious minutes worth it. One level in particular you are on the roof of a train shooting what look like speeder bikes from star wars while trying to proceed down to the front of the train. Ok it was easy, but a lot of fun.on the weapons and you’re getting somewhere. The “breach” ability that gives you certain powers like turning an enemy into a bomb, making their weapons malfunction and causing one of them to obey you and gun down his own troops make it quite satisfying. Using the dart function and having time slow down while you proceed to unload an entire clip into 5 guys heads is also incredibly fun, especially when function runs out and you see a sea of bodies falling in front of you.

But then again, I feel this game was built very much around the co op. As I previously stated the co op is something different, with the ability to use your breach to heal team mates while fighting through a complex levels with progressively tougher enemies and breaching options to make that giant empty battle field in front of you somewhat safer. The customisation in that feels somewhat more individual and the weapon unlocks done through challenges make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. I feel the campaign was tacked on and not something that should have been included. Look at games like Brink, that although was rough around the edges was a lot of fun and aimed at co op and never denied the multiplayer core of the game.

All in all, a very short campaign that if it wasn’t for the well constructed combat would have been turned off after half an hour and this review never written. The co op in its own merit is something different and fun, if you like your FPS’s and want something to play with friends, go for it. But story wise, there are a large amount of decent shooters with a good story for half the price.

So look at my surprised face when I find that not only is “Sonic Generations” okay, it’s actually really good!

The story follows our favourite blue hedgehog when he is attacked by a mysterious demon made of clockwork and darkness. Hideously injured and feeling his life ebbing away, Sonic chokes back the pain by reliving the adventures through the course of his life. It may be ripped wholesale from Hitman: Contracts but it’s a beautiful and heart wrenching way to end such a long career and I salute SEGA for taking such a daring step with the scene where Sonic tearfully admits that his last ten years have been a complete failure…

…Of course I’m just kidding. What really happens is some barely explained tear in the fabric of space-time happens which lets the Sonic we know from the 3D games meet the Sonic we love from our childhood, and then fix things somehow by playing through remade levels from a load of the old games.

Old Sonic plays almost exactly like he used to back in the 8-Bit days even down to the sound effects and animations. You run from left to right across the map avoiding traps and destroying robots by rolling into a ball, just like any hedgehog does really.

The new Sonic plays a bit like he did in the Sonic Adventure games if you turned the speed up to eleven, mixing 3D running sections where you avoid obstacles in your path and jump through hoops and side-scrolling sections that feel like old sonic except you can home in on enemies and instantly boost to ludicrous speeds like a cheating bastard.

The level design has a lot of good ideas with shortcuts and secrets squirreled away to help players find a better way to complete a level each time you play and taking some of the levels from the worse games and putting them in a better one was actually a great idea. It felt liberating to actually enjoy the levels from “the 2006 Sonic game” and “Sonic Unleashed.”

This game is really fun to play, but it’s not without its flaws. The worst of which being that it’s way too short. There are about seven levels overall, each with a 2D and 3D version and once you finish them you’re basically done with the whole game.

This would have been easier to swallow if the level ratings had been a little more challenging and encouraged you to make a perfect run. As it was I got A, B and even S rankings on every level despite sometimes limping over the finish line with no lives and one ring after spending five minutes getting impaled by spikes and falling off of ledges. I remember Sonic Adventure 2 giving me E grades by default and only offering A grades if you collected almost every ring and didn’t get hit once, if I’m not rewarded for bettering myself why should I even try?

At the end of the day, Sonic Generations is a good game, but it’s far too short to be a great game. The story was tolerable because there wasn’t much of it to spoil things, and I can’t help but wish they had just made more of it for me to enjoy.

“Sonic Generations” is well worth getting for a Tenner. Twenty if you love Sonic the Hedgehog a little too much. There’s about a quarter of a game’s worth of material, but the warm fuzz of nostalgia isn’t too bad either.

If anyone from SEGA’s reading this, you should just straight up remake Sonic 1, 2, 3 and Knuckles in this style. If you include the Co-op modes with Tails where a friend can pick up a controller and start helping me then I will personally give you a medal for actually making Sonic the Hedgehog fun again!

I was wrestling with this when I saw something that made me sit up and snarl, something I can really talk about.

The new Xbox dashboard.

Microsoft released it yesterday at the time of writing and aside from the usual “They’ve changed it so now it sucks” whining from fanboys, people are okay with it…

But you really shouldn’t be!

1.       My Xbox is infested with ads.

You have to pay a monthly subscription to use the online features on your Xbox, but that hasn’t stopped Microsoft from pasting adverts across your TV screens for more money!

I’m not normally bothered about ads, I have them here on Unbored after all, but take a look at this diagram here.

The blue area is wasted space, the green areas are buttons you actually use, and the red ones are adverts. Literally three quarters of the page is filled with advertising and I’m not even online yet!

This is like someone at Microsoft watched ‘Idiocracy’ and thought it was a good idea!

The dashboard has a nifty feature where you can flit between different ads in the middle tile, it could have been much better used if it had been for the games on your hard-drive or something, you know, buttons you actually want to use!

I can’t help but feel violated knowing that every time I fire up my Xbox it’s profiting BSkyB, a company that Hacked Madeline Mccann’s mobile phone.

And now I’ve just found that in America the ads are videos that play if you hover over them and can’t be stopped until they’ve finished… I’ll have more on this later!

2.       Microsoft leaked your credit card? Guess you’re screwed!

In order to get back online after the update finishes you have to accept Microsoft’s new terms and conditions. Squirrelled away in all the tedious and often pointless legalese is a section that states that you cannot perform a class action lawsuit against the company.

What’s a class action lawsuit? Well I’m no expert but from what I gather, when Sony royally screwed up when they leaked people’s credit card info, the customers banded together to fund a massively expensive corporate lawyer, this is a class action lawsuit.

Sony decided that their mistake wasn’t letting their network get hacked, it was letting people sue them afterwards, and so they quickly amended their terms and conditions to make sure that if anyone wanted to sue, they had to do it alone. Can’t afford an expensive corporate lawyer to match theirs? Then you’re out of luck.

Microsoft have followed in their footsteps before they even leak your credit card, so if someone nicks your account and takes all your money, all Microsoft will do is shrug and give you the finger.

This behaviour is so disgusting that half the states of America are undecided if it should be legal or not!

3.       It has loads of cool apps, and none of them are out yet.

Still it’s not all so bad. You can watch Youtube, sometime this winter. And 4OD, sometime this winter. There’s also BBC iPlayer, sometime next year… The only two apps that are out are Lovefilm and Sky. One of them is okay and the other one is the empire of evil.

Maybe it’ll get better as new apps get released, but I doubt the ads are going to get any less annoying.

In the meantime, I’ve taken my credit card off of my account. I know it sounds paranoid, but it’s not such a bad thing when you realise that buying points from Gamestation is actually cheaper than buying them straight from the Xbox.

So to summarise, screw Microsoft, screw their lawyers, screw Rupert Murdoch, and screw the horrible waste of space that is the new menu screen. The Kinect stuff is nice though.

Premise:

A waitress gets a new work colleague, the daughter of a money swindling lawyer who decides to sort their lives out

Who’s in it?

Kat Dennings (from the recent “Thor” movie) and Beth Behrs (from American Pie: book of love) play the two waitresses.

Is it any good?

Surprisingly yes it is, the two girls play off each other well and although the plots aren’t ground breaking they are still fun to watch.

Will I watch it?

I think I will the two hot girls help the decision!

Snappy Sum up phrase?

Two girl’s one horse

Terra nova

Premise:

Its 2149 the world is coming to an end, the environment has rebelled and overpopulation is a serious issue. We follow the Shannon family as they are caught with too many children, and then skip forward two years. To the offer of a lifetime to start a new life 85 million years ago.

Who’s in it?

Stephen Lang (the main bad guy from avatar) plays the hardened veteran of Terra Nova, Shelly Conn (lead actress from the excellent miniseries Dead Set) plays the wife and doctor.

Is it any good?

It has dinosaurs what more can you ask for? There also appears to be an overarching plot with intrigue and suspicion, I think I have pretty much figured out what is going to happen but it looks like it will be a fun ride getting there. The actors and the characters they play seem to be worked out well and I look forward to watching how they progress.

Will I watch it?

Yes this is on the top of to the watch list.

Snappy sum up phrase?

IT’S GOT DINOSAURS!!

Whitney

Premise:

Whitney lives with her live in boyfriend and has reached the “maybe too comfortable” stage of their relationship

Who’s in it?

Whitney Cummings (writer of Two broke girl$) plays a version of herself.

Is it any good?

In the starting credits they assure you it’s filmed in front of a live studio audience but if you ask me the audience is pretty canned. It’s not bad it’s just not new, the story lines all seem to revolve around Whitney messing with her boyfriend but not in a new way in a “didn’t they do that in friends” way or “hasn’t this been done in how I met your mother way” its main downfall is it isn’t as good as shows that have done the same thing before.

Will I watch it?

More than likely no I won’t, if I hear it get better I might give it another go though.

Snappy sum up phrase?

Could do better

New Girl

Plot:

After a bad break up Jess moves in with 3 guys she found online

Who is in it?

Zooey Deschanel (played Trillian in Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy and is a general hotty) plays jess. The three guys are played by actors you will recognise from Castle, Bones, lie to me, Flashforward and more

Is it any good?

I’m not sure if it is just the presence of Zooey, but so far I have watched every episode. It feels like the kooky and bizarre behaviour that Jess shows, is just how Zooey is on a day-to-day basis. The behaviour of the guys seems to be how they would respond if a girl started acting like this around them, also the how the guys treat each other is in my opinion how male friends do treat each other. Having a douche-bag jar is one of my favourites.

Will I watch it?

As long as Zooey is in it I will watch every week and compared to say Whitney this might as well be Shakespeare but not in the way that all school kids hate it.

Snappy sum up phrase?

More than just the Zooey show.

Suburgatory

Plot:

After a single father finds a box of condoms in his daughter’s room, he decides they need to leave the city and start a new life in the suburbs.

Who is in it?

Jeremy Sisto ( played Detective Cyrus Lupo on law & Order and voiced batman in Justice League: The New Frontier) Plays George the single dad, Jane Levy ( played Mandy Milkovich on Shameless US) plays Tessa the fish out of water teen. It also stars Alan Tudyk (Walsh: Firefly, Dale Maddox: V, steve the pirate: Dodgeball etc) as George’s friend.

Is it any good?

To be honest this didn’t interest me, I didn’t rush out to watch it but once I did I was hooked. the humour is good without being too predictable, the characters are all likable and believable.

Will I watch it?

Yes I will, it’s a good way to spend 30mins

Snappy sum up phrase?

A rare treat

Up all night

Plot:

Reagan and Chris are new parents Chris is a stay at home dad while Reagan works as a producer on an Opera type show called Ava.

Who’s in it?

Christina Applegate ( Played Veronica Corningstone in Anchorman and Samantha in Samantha Who) plays Reagan, Will Arnett ( Played Gob Bluth in Arrested development) plays Chris and Maya Rudolph (Played Lillian in Bridesmaids) plays Ava.

Is it any good?

I went in to this with high hopes and I think they were met. Will Arnett is one of my favourite comedic actors and this show is another arrow to his quiver. The comedy in this show is just my style a bit ridiculous but cemented in the characters.

Will I watch it?

So far I’ve watched every episode I don’t intend to stop.

Snappy sum up phrase?

Shame its only 30mins long.

Last man standing

Plot:

A fathers round the world job gets moved to a local position, meaning he has to deal with his three daughters on a day-to-day basis.

Who’s in it?

Tim Allen (Plays Tim the tool-man Taylor from home improvement and is the voice of Buzz Lightyear) Plays Mike Baxter and Nancy Travis (Played Sylvia Bennington in 3 men and a little lady) plays Vanessa Baxter.

Is it any good?

I went into watching this with very low expectations however I was surprised, it was better than I thought it would be, this is about the same level as home improvement its not going to change your life but is very easy to watch.

Will I watch it?

I’m not that fussed if I’m board and there is a new episode I’ll prob watch it but I won’t be counting the minutes to a new one.

Snappy sum up phrase?

Poor man’s Ron Swanson stuck with a family of women.

Like any gaming fanbase though, they reacted like dickfruits from the bellend tree when the first trailer for the newest game in the Ace Combat series was released back in August 2010. The new trailer showed a new type of gameplay – fast, furious destruction at close ranges, following an enemy aircraft in close proximity, and attacking until it exploded into a shower of debris. It also showed the use of attack helicopters, and the ability to play as a helicopter door-gunner.

The executive producers statements were that they were reinventing Ace Combat to bring a new life into the series, and to try and invent a new style of gameplay with more cinematic elements, and a more in-your-face feel to the action. It was also announced that the games’ setting would be moving from the fictional world used in the original six games, and Ace Combat X, to the Real World.

Of course, now that things had changed, the series was Ruined FOREVER, and could not possibly be any good, ever again. The Waaambulance was summarily called to cart away the stroppy pricks of fans who had already decided that they were never going to play again. Everyone else of a sane mind waited nervously for more news.

As more trailers and news came, things began to get interesting – the new trailers showed new types of aircraft, such as bombers and attack helicopters. More information was released about the plot, and the new style of gameplay. Promotion of the game kicked up a few notches, with industry magazines and websites began to pay a lot more attention.

Of course, there was still a lot of doubt around about the game itself – lots of it was calling up comparisons between Assault Horizon, as the new game had been named, and Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare, or HAWX, especially due to what had been seen of the gameplay style, the setting, and the plot.

Now that the game has been released, and is in it’s fully finished form, has the wait been worth it, is Ace Combat Ruined FOREVER, is it Ace Combat: Modern Warfare, and most of all, is it any good?

The answer is, yes and no.

I’ve been a fan of the series for a very long time, since the first game back on the PS1, back in the early 90’s. I’ve played almost all the games, and I’ve liked every one.

It’s true that the game has needed a reinvention – Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation,the first title to be on the 360, was good, but

lacked in a lot of areas. Notably, the choice of aircraft to use was less than generous than many of the earlier games, and the variety of missions was sorely lacking.

Especially infuriating were the cast of characters, and the disappointing storyline, compared to the other games in the series. The Multiplayer was tedious, and the promised downloadable content resolved only to often pointless or game-breaking reskins of the existing small range of aircraft.

So, Assault Horizon has a lot of work to do to try and get past these issues. And it lives up to the task quite well, it’s safe to say.

The game opens by shoving you firmly into the action, and opening with a big bang, giving you a spectacularly gorgeous landscape of Miami to fight in the skies over, an aural lovemaking of a soundtrack, and enough action to leave you tired. It also managed to cleverly teach you how to play during this, with a non-invasive tutorial, as well as introducing you to your main character. Who, in an amazing first for the series, actually talks!

Shortly after, you’re introduced to the rest of the cast, and to other the gameplay types – the notable door-gunner and attack helicopter sections.

The inclusion of these new types of play does break things up considerably, and adds a lot of spice and variety to things. Out of the two, being a door gunner is the less interactive, as all you have to do is point your crosshair at things and hose them with bullets from the minigun you’re manning. Although, that’s pretty fun, since it’s a minigun, after all. It also lets you do considerably more cinematic things with your firepower than Modern Warfare, such as shooting down incoming rockets, and even enemy aircraft at some points – but since you don’t get to control where you’re flying, it is a bit of an on-rails section, and therein are the limits of it.

The Attack Helicopter gameplay is quite different. You do get to fully control your chopper as you scoot around various locations, and hammer the enemies into dusty memories, and there’s a lot of tactics involved in avoiding their incoming fire. Ducking in between buildings at low level can be quite exciting, as is duelling with enemy helicopters or SAM launchers.

The sad part of flying the helicopter though, comes in that the controls for aiming and firing aren’t quite all there. The lack of a foolproof targeting system means that it can be frustrating when your attacks go wide, or otherwise miss a target that, by all of your aiming, should be perfecting in your sights. It’s also very, very easy to lose where enemy targets even are in some

missions, due to the colour of the crosshairs against the terrain. The option to change the HUD colour would’ve been helpful – but is sadly missing.

This doesn’t detract from the overall fun too much though, but can be pretty frustrating on a first play through, and should probably have been examined at some point before release.
In addition to the Helicopter and Door Gunner styles of play, both of which you get to experience twice during the campaign mode of the game, there are also the Gunship and Bomber aircraft to experience.

The Gunship is like the level in the first Modern Warfare game. Like that game, you get to act as the gunner on an AC-130 Spectre gunship, and target enemies on the ground below, of a wide variety of types, while supporting allied forces. The scope of the mission is much bigger than the one in COD and chips, and it’s a lot longer – but you only get to do it once, which is somewhat disappointing.

The same can be said of the heavy bomber section. You get to pilot a heavy bomber aircraft, to use it’s formidable payload of high-explosive rain to lay waste to a large area of real estate – but, you only get to do it once, which is a bit disappointing.

The rest of the game is devoted to what’s always been the mainstay of Ace Combat – fighter and multi-role aircraft operations.

The new style of gameplay makes this missions much more intense and fast-paced than in earlier games, and leads to you having a lot more methods to take down an enemy aircraft, and less tail chases or pointless circling than in earlier games. The new Dogfight and Air strike systems are a lot more cinematic than in earlier games, and leave the player feeling a lot more involved in the action, and up-close to what’s going on, than at a distance. Instant replays of your kills, and the meticulous details of the exploding targets are also shown lovingly each time as well – which is spectacular… but occasionally annoying, if you’re trying to concentrate on shooting down another target with priority. This is a problem overall though – some missions have you trying to shoot down enemy aircraft – such as bombers –

before they reach a certain point, or within a time limit, or else it’s game over.

With the dogfight system, it’s easy to lock onto them and giggle like an idiot while you rape them with the cannon and missiles – but it’s also easy to get attacked and blown into flaming confetti by an enemy plane, and fail that way. Breaking off to try shoot them down usually results in you failing the mission because the bombers have blown wherever you’re supposed to be safeguarding to little pieces, leaving you with a sense of frustration about the mission, and having to repeat the same bit of the game over and over again.

The fighter missions are well handled for the most part though, and have a lot of the up sides and good qualities that the earlier games had. A lot of the good elements, such as a choice of secondary weapons for ground attacks or better performance in air-to-air battles is kept, as is the High-G turns from Ace Combat 6, which are also an integral part of the dogfight system.

The choice of planes has been beefed up from AC6 as well, and types never flown in Ace Combat are also included. However, a dick move by the game results in only certain types of plane being able to be flown in certain missions. This isn’t even handled in a sensible way, such as only being able to fly carrier-capable aircraft from an aircraft carrier, and is instead seemingly completely arbitrary, and at the evil whims of the game developers.

It gets really annoying and tedious when you’re forced to choose from planes on one mission that you later can’t take, or that would’ve been massively useful in an earlier mission. Especially where certain special weapons are involved, that would’ve been extraordinarily useful against a certain target, but aren’t available because a plane doesn’t feature them.

This seems like a step backward from the freedom of earlier games, where the player was free to choose whatever they wanted for each mission. Even to the point of taking an A-10 ground attack plane on air superiority missions!

The choice of planes available is refreshing though, and the new types and marks are welcome. More are apparently going to be made available through DLC as well, and unlike the pointless and occasionally game-breaking downloadable skins for aircraft in AC6, these will actually be entirely new aircraft to fly. Whether or not they’ll be available for campaign as well as multiplayer may be worth considering, and will probably have a lot of effect on how well they are received by the players of the game as a whole.

With this large choice of aircraft though, it’s disappointing in some ways that other aircraft types are so limited. In the attack helicopter missions, you’re limited only to piloting an Apache – which is a surprise, when there are so many types of attack helicopter around the world, and even in the game, the Russian ‘Hind’ attack helicopter is featured so prominently – yet, you’re not given a chance to fly one. Multiplayer does feature the Hind as a playable aircraft – but not including it as an option in campaign seems like a big shame.
While you’re given a choice of two bombers to fly, the fact there’s only a single mission – albeit, a very, very good one – where you can fly one is a massive disappointment.

This is a big problem with the game overall though. While the plot does move fast, there are some occasions where details seem almost glossed over, or even missing, from the overall storyline. One notable occasion jumps straight from a seemingly unrelated mission to another point, and seems like you’re missing a huge chunk of story out, and the potential for more missions of all sorts of types. There’s even mention of the bomber pilot character flying a mission concurrently with the two other characters – the helicopter pilot, and Bishop, the fighter pilot – both of which you get to play, one after the other and not even remotely awkwardly. That the opportunity is missed almost seems like the game was rushed without this mission being included, or it being cut from the final release.
It seems a shame in a similar manner that so little of an attempt is made to use the gorgeously rendered cityscapes you can see in multiplayer, and in a meagre handful of the campaign missions.

Fighting above Miami in the first mission is a glorious experience – so why the hell are you reduced to spending so much time fighting above disappointingly boring generic-looking countryside, desert, and featureless water in other missions? If Miami can be made to look so good, and Dubai also, why not include somewhere really cool. I would’ve loved to be able to dogfight around the Pyramids and the Sphinx for example. Or fly under the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Or the Grand Canyon!

Some other cities have been created and are seen in multiplayer, in the Capital Guardian mode of play. But, if they’re included there, it seems all the more a shame that they weren’t featured in the campaign. Again, it seems like a missed opportunity, which is the biggest problem the game has overall.

There is a lot to enjoy, and a lot that is exciting, new, different, and epic about Assault Horizon. It does have a great campaign, and while the story does seem like the Namco team went through the bins at the back of Activisions’ HQ to get the CliffsNotes version of the Modern Warfare 2 plot, it does have enough of it’s own variations to

be interesting – but ultimately, not as epic in scope as the earlier non-real world games.
It could’ve done with being a bit longer, and while multiplayer will give it a bit more life, Ace Combat has always been about the single player experience, and it’s that that needed to be looked at, and given the lease of life.
While it has changed, and it has been made better in terms of gameplay, that there’s not more of that new gameplay to be enjoyed is a big shame.  Assault Horizon is worth playing, and that’s for certain. Especially if you liked the other games in the series, or if you’re looking for something with aeroplanes and a lot of excitement, then you’re in the right place. Wait a few weeks to drop the cash on it though – the price will come down quickly (I got the Limited Edition, since I’m such a fanboy, although Namco have been nice, and released it at the same price as the retail for pre-order customers!)

Hopefully the lessons learned from this game, and the new things it’s added will be taken forward, and whatever Ace Combat is released next for the main consoles will be the truly epic game it deserves to be. In the meantime though, Assault Horizon will give you a few hours of feeling like an aerial badass to get you through.

So here’s how I’m going to try to help. Every week I will give you a new article to help you buy something for a loved one or a friend, ten suggestions and my reasons for suggesting them.

So without further ado: What to buy someone if they’re into… COMICS!

1. Watchmen/The Sandman/Maus.

Why they’re good: If you ask anyone what the greatest comic books are and they’ll probably suggest at least one of these.

Watchmen is an absolutely seminal piece that first examined what kind of person would actually become a superhero, it follows a fascinating cast of characters as they react to one of their number being murdered by being thrown out of their apartment window.  The entire comics industry changed from the influence of this book, and none of them have really captured the magic of the original.

The Sandman follows the god of dreams across time and space. One episode will be about him battling through Hell to find his former girlfriend, the next could be about him making a random human immortal and watching him change over seven hundred years. It acts more like a collection of short stories with a big theme about stories, dreams and how they tie together. It’s weird, it’s wonderful and it’s a beautiful read.

Maus is much simpler than the other two. It follows the author’s father, Vladek Spiegelman as he tells the story of his life during World War Two, including his time at a concentration camp. The fact this is actually a true story gives everything so much more weight. It’s the comic book world’s equivalent of Schindler’s List. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, but when you finish it and put it down you somehow feel like you’re a little bit more grown up for reading it.

Buy them if: I decided to lump these three together in the top spot because they’re the absolute pinnacle of comic books. So while they are brilliant, it’s also likely your friend already read it. If they’re serious about comics, they’ve probably read them, if they’re just getting into them or they’ve stuck to the normal Marvel/DC lines they won’t. If you get it wrong they’ll at least think you have good taste.

You can buy Watchmen here.

You can buy the first book of the Sandman here.

Maus can be found here.

2. Red Son.

Why it’s good: Red Son is a standalone comic that follows the life of Superman if he had landed in Russia instead of America. I thought it was going to be a bit of silly fun, showing an evil red scare Superman. But instead it actually takes a healthy and nuanced stance on Communism by having Supes believe that he should be helping everyone for the common good. He almost fits in Russia better than he does in America, but he finds himself stretched thin helping everyone all over the world and has to contend with an increasingly paranoid America trying to kill him constantly.

Buy it if: Your friend enjoys a bit of Superman comics or movies but hasn’t read the more esoteric stuff like this. It really gives a whole new perspective on Superman’s character.

You can buy Red Son here.

3. The Boys/Preacher.

Why it’s good: Welcome to the world of Garth Ennis, one of my favourite comic book writers of all time. He’s weird, he’s dark and very very funny.

Preacher follows a priest, his girlfriend and a vampire on a quest across America to find god… So they can beat the hell out of him for making such a mess of the world. Along the way they encounter a disfigured boy called Arseface, the KKK, Sexual Detectives, and the embodiment of death in the form of a cowboy… it’s like a depraved modern cowboy epic.

The Boys follows a young man who looks suspiciously like Simon Pegg who joins a secret CIA team who dress up in trenchcoats and beat Superheroes into line when they misbehave. It’s just as good as Preacher, and almost even more extreme.

Buy it if: They’re old enough to take it, seriously, it’s brilliant but not for the youngsters. If your friend has a dark sense of humour, can find the funny side in less than savoury subjects and enjoys a bit of gore they will love it. More prudish individuals or religious people may want to steer clear though.

You can buy the first edition of The Boys here.

You can buy the first edition of Preacher here.

4. Kingdom Come.

Why it’s good: Kingdom Come follows the entire DC universe’s superheroes gearing up for a war of epic proportions when Superman makes a mistake that destroys the whole of Kansas and goes off for a sulk. In his absence a new breed of superhero emerges, vigilantes who are dark and brooding and more interested in killing evil than saving good…

Yeah it’s a little heavy handed in its message but it’s a good story well told and it’s got some of the most beautiful artwork I have ever seen. Every panel is like an individual oil painting.

Buy it if: Your friend has read a lot of darker comic books like The Boys, Preacher or the Punisher. It’s a great way of bringing a little light back to comic books.

You can buy Kingdom Come here.

5. Pride of Baghdad.

Why it’s good: It’s about a pride of Lions that escape from a Zoo in Iraq during the Gulf War when a bomb blast destroys the cage walls. Only one of them even remembers life before captivity and the others have to adjust to their new and unfamiliar surroundings full of escaped wildlife, terrified humans and American war machines ravaging the land.

Imagine the Lion King mixed with Black Hawk Down and you might have a good idea of what you’re in for.

Buy it if: Your friend likes a damn good story. Pride of Baghdad is a good bet because it shares three great attributes. 1. You don’t have to worry about continuity, 2. It’s an intelligent self-contained story and 3. It’s not as well known as Maus or Watchmen so they’re not as likely to have read it.

You can buy Pride of Baghdad here.

6. Deadpool.

Why it’s good: Ever since the eighties Superhero comics have grown progressively darker and grittier in a desperate bid to convince people they’re a worthy art form… that and calling them ‘Graphic Novels’. Angst, depression and hatred are the name of the game for most of these comic books, Deadpool is just one of many series that brought things back to being entertaining again.

Deadpool is a super-soldier who has gone so insane that he realises that he’s in a comic book. He talks to his own speech bubbles and mocks the comics industry while having wacky adventures around all the other straight-faced and uncomprehending superheroes of the marvel universe.

It’s hilarious, doesn’t care about continuity and makes a great change from all the pretentiousness.

Buy it if: your friend has a good sense of humour and enjoys their superhero comics. Everybody loves a bit of Deadpool. Just grab any old one, the continuity isn’t too important for this guy. But i recommend “Suicide Kings” if you find it. Watching Deadpool riif off of the Punisher and Daredevil is brilliant.

You can buy Deadpool: Suicide Kings here.

7. V For Vendetta.

Why it’s good: Written by Alan Moore, the man behind Watchmen. V for Vendetta is about a Britain that has become a terrifying dictatorship under a hyper-conservative government. A mysterious man in a mask who calls himself V sets out to put things right one murder at a time.

It has a lot in common with the film, but the original is much, much smarter.

Buy it if: Your friend enjoyed the movie, liked Watchmen or takes a passing interest in politics. Whether you agree with the main characters ideals or not doesn’t matter when it’s built around a good yarn like this.

You can buy V for Vendetta here.

So there you have it. I hope this guide helps you get that perfect gift for that special someone. The only other piece of advice I think I need to give is keep the receipt!

The Body Farm.

Premise:

Workers at a body farm in England are brought in to help investigate murders by a grumpy police D.I. who has a history with the lead investigator.

Who is in it?

The only people I recognise was Keith Allen, who plays D.I Hale and Tara Fitzgerald who is playing the same character she played in waking the dead.

Is it any good?

It’s a bit of a slow burner, I think I would have more of an instant feeling if I had watched Waking Dead but the characters are a little stereotypical but hopefully they will break through this.

Will I watch?

Yes if I remember when it’s on.

Snappy sum up phrase?

It’s an English “Bones”

Unforgettable

Premise:

An ex cop (Carrie) who has the rare condition hyperthymesia which means she remembers everything that has happened,( apparently a real condition that only around 6 people in the world suffer from, so she really is one in a billion) gets dragged back into the police when  a neighbour of hers is murdered and she finds the body.

Who’s in it?

The main character is played by Poppy Montgomery who is best known for her role in “Without a trace”

Is it any good?

I like the concept the actors are all good so yes but it really depends on how her condition works in the show as it might get annoying.

Will I watch it?

Yes I think I will

Snappy sum up phrase?

Um I guess it’s quite memorable

Hart of Dixie

Premise:

A medical student who dreams of being a heart surgeon like her father, is told she won’t get her dream placement as she is to cold towards patients. So she moves out to a small practice in Alabama to learn to be nice.

Who’s in it?

It stars Rachel Bilson who you might recognise from the 2008 film Jumper

Is it any good?

Its watchable it’s very teenie and whiney so it’s not going to change my life, well unless I decide to move to Alabama.

Will I watch it?

If there is nothing else on maybe.

Snappy sum up phrase?

Doc Hollywood as a young whiney girl.

Person of interest

Premise:

An ex special forces Hitman down on his luck teams up with a scientist to stop crimes before they’re committed, with only a social security number to go on.

Who’s in it?

It starts the mighty Michael Emerson (Ben in Lost) and Jesus himself James Caviezel (Passion of the Christ)

Is it any good?

Yes the premise might be shaky, Michael Emerson seems to be playing Ben again but it works. I also never knew that Jesus was this dangerous!

Will I watch it?

Yes I will amend my schedule and I will watch each week as long as the next episode carry’s on the madness of the first.

Snappy sum up phrase?

What “wanted” wanted to be

Charlie’s Angels

Premise:

Wah wah wah Charlie wah wah wah 3 bad girls wah wah wah solve crime

Who’s in it?

Rachel Taylor the humanoid transformer from transformers 2

Is it any good?

Short answer no, long answer never before have I watched such dribble. I understand its easy to just jump into the middle without explaining why they work together but it would have been nice. I think it would be quite interesting to find out how a cat burglar a dirty cop and a mental soldier became friends. Also their Bosley annoyed me as he is the same age as the “angels”.

Will I watch it?

No

Snappy sum up phrase?

Lamo Mclamerson

A Gifted Man

Premise:

A hard-working surgeon who has no time for anyone else is visited by his dead ex-wife to make him nicer.

Who is in it?

Patrick Wilson plays the surgeon who you might recognise as the “nite owl” from Watchmen.

Is it any good?

It reminds me of Eli Stone but instead of god he sees his ex-wife. It could be the classic that Eli stone was or it could just cover the same ground it will be interesting to see which way it goes.

Will I watch?

Yes unless something better turns up

Snappy sum up phrase?

Atheist Eli stone

This is Jinzy

Premise:

Follow the exciting, bizarre and not so exciting life of the residents of a small island called Jinzy.

Who is in it?

The two main stars Chris Bran and Justin Chubb are relative new comers they have a supporting cast packed to the gills with Harry Hill, Jennifer Saunders and Alice lowe. They have a guest star each episode so far we have had David Tennent (Dr Who) and Peter Serafinowicz (Spaced, Black books, voice of Dark Maul)

Is it any good?

If you a fan of bizarre humour ala mighty boosh I think this is for you it also has a song in each episode that I promise you will get stuck in your head, so far we have had “types of wood” and “licky licky”. I think that BBC three are kicking themselves for missing out on this.

Will I watch?

Yes

Snappy sum up phrase?

Would have made “The Island” a more interesting film.

I don’t have much to say about this film apart from it made me sad, sad I started and had to finish watching it. It lost my interest quickly I didn’t care about the survivors, wasn’t bothered when they died and was however shocked they managed to get a car working after 20 years of it sitting there rusting.

I can talk more about this film but to be honest I don’t want too!

Current IMDB Rating 3.3/10  My Rating 1/10.

So now here comes a new Deus Ex game, and this one’s from Square Enix, the guys behind such famous corridor simulators as Final Fantasy. I pre-ordered the game hoping to make a good rant about the sacrilege of our god from the machine… but then I started playing it.

The story goes that in the future humanity has developed the ability to graft robotic limbs and other enhancements onto people’s bodies. They may give you superhuman strength, stamina and the ability to beam porn directly into your eyeballs, but you end up depending on anti-rejection drugs for the rest of your life and about half of the world hates you.

You are Adam Jensen, a security consultant who gets caught up in an attack from a bunch of cyborgs that results in his girlfriend getting killed and his own body being mashed up beyond repair. Jensen’s boss gets a bit scalpel happy and pulls a RoboCop on Jensen, giving him a new set of arms, new legs… and a pair of retractable shades presumably because it’d just bring the whole look together.

Jensen is brought back into the line of duty and set to the task of finding out who orchestrated the attack before his scabs have even healed, and I thought my work was harsh because they won’t give me overtime. You’d think Jensen would be a bit miffed about the whole thing, but he ended up being a lot more up-beat about the whole thing when I had the dialogue options.

Just like its predecessors, the game allows you to pick and choose the way you tackle a problem. Do you sneak around unseen with the use of the cover mechanics that allow you to hug a wall and look round the corner and pretend you’re James Bond? Do you sweet talk a security guard into giving you the keys to the objective and letting you walk straight in? Do you hack a computer to turn the security robots against everyone and sit back while they do all the work? Or do you pick up a gun and murder everyone in sight?

The experience points you earn for killing, exploration, stealth and general achievement let you unlock augmentations that allow you to turn invisible, pick up heavy objects, hack computers or take bullets to the face. Over the course of the game you will manage to unlock most of them, but the way you pick your battles changes the way your character develops over the course of the game and what methods are open to you.

I was a sneaky bastard , the only time I even killed a single person was when I found myself confronted with a room literally full of about thirty people looking straight at me… After trying to sneak around them to no avail I instead opted to hack the security system and turn the security turrets on them. Thirty looted bodies later I ran straight into the first boss… where this game finally falls short.

The Boss Fights have been universally reviled by critics because they go against everything the game had been built to be. There is no choice to how you take them down, your only option is to fill them with bullets till they die. Which is all fine and good except you may have been building Jensen to be a sneaky pacifist relying on the non-lethal melee takedowns. You can’t sneak by, you can’t hack computers, you’re not even allowed to use your melee abilities. I honestly don’t know how they got through to the final product when the standard has been so good everywhere else.

As problems go it’s not a deal breaker, especially if you play with the forewarning to pump a couple of points into armour for later and carry a nice gun around. Talk softly and carry a big stick.

Human Revolution is an absolute triumph with a few blemishes that don’t destroy the experience so much as remind you that the developers are only human. The writing is great, the atmosphere and style is superb and it’s so much fun to play and experience this world on your terms as long as you know that whether you want to or not, you will have to crack a few skulls at some point.

It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty damned close, unless something very impressive comes out in the next few months it may well become a classic. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

So I feel as I had more of a connection to this film, as thanks to the podcasts I had a chance too not only hear how Kevin went about making the film but I also heard from the producer (Jon Gordon) the DP (Dave Klein) the casting director (Deb Aquila) the Assistant Director (Adam Druxman) and from the actors including the mighty Michael Parks himself. Even with all of this talk about the movie I still didn’t know that much about the plot all i knew going in was “Three boys go into the woods searching for sex and find Jesus”.

If more directors used a similar process of opening up themselves and their latest project to the public eye, I think the connection I felt to this film could be felt for others. Imagine if Chris Nolan had gone this route with Dark Knight, and by this route I mean talk publicly about his love for the project. Also think of all insider information we could have heard, from how Heath Ledger got into playing the Joker to how much fun the stunt driver had driving the Tumbler.

Anyway I digress, if I had not known this was a Kevin Smith film to be honest from watching the film I wouldn’t have guessed. This isn’t to say it’s not got the Kevin Smith flavour to it, in the dialogue especially. His earlier films in the View Askuniverse (Clerks, Clerks 2, Chasing Amy, Mallrats, Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) have the same kind of humour and style. Red State turns this on its head, the comedy is dark and sparing, the violence is well, the most violent things in his View Askuniverse films was Dante getting hit by a baguette in Clerks and Bartleby getting his wings shot off by Jay in Dogma. In Red State there is a mass carnage, people die left and right.

As this is a Kevin Smith film the different characters have their own voice the actors were perfect for their roles and I couldn’t imagine anyone else playing them.

In my opinion this film was worth the hype. I recommend this film to all.

IMDB Rating 6.6/10    My Rating 9/10

The film starts pretty much the same as arachnophobia, a new family moved out to a new area so the father Louis (Played by Dale Midkiff) can take over as head doctor. On their moving in day they are introduced to the pet cemetery which seems like the only way to access it is through their garden which makes me think that Jud and whoever lived in the house before had a lot of pets that died! We are also introduced to the constant stream of trucks that drive past their house every day.

On Louis’s first day a young man called Pascow is brought into the doctors after getting hit by a truck he dies on the table but tells Louis a cryptic line first. That night Pascow appears to Louis and get him to follow him to the pet cemetery. Once there Pascow tells him not to go past the fallen trees as no man is meant to be there. Louis then wakes up in his bed but pulls back the sheets and his feet are dirty!!!

While the rest of the family is away on a trip, the family cat is hit and killed by one of the many trucks. Louis not that bothered decided to lie to his kids and tell them the cat ran away, however the interfering neighbour Jud decides the kids are too young to deal with the death of their favourite pet. So he tells Louis to grab the cat corpse and go for a walk with him, which if someone told me to do I would probably say no.

They then head to the pet cemetery then cross the fallen trees, which Louis conveniently forgets that Pascow told him not to. They then trek for what seems like forever to an ancient Indian burial ground. Jud then tells Louis to bury the cat without telling him what will happen, which again I would check first before going through with it. Jud then tells Louis the same phrase that dead Pascow said.

The cat brought back to life by ancient Indian mojo turns up at the house and just appears a bit cranky, understandably as it has been dead for a day. Jud tells Louis the story of his dog spot that was buried in the same place and came back meaner than before. The family then return from the break and carry on as normal.

An undetermined time later the young son Gabe (Played by Miko Hughes who was 3 at time of filming) gets hit and killed by a truck. This is the part of the film that dragged the most for me, waiting for the obvious end of film.

I’m sure this film was a classic when it came out, however the effects and the dialogue scream the 80’s at me.

IMDB Rating 6.3/10    My Rating 2/10

While this is going on a Mayor of a small American town is having a problem with his genius brothers lack of social skills and his son not accepting his new wife. There is some high school stuff with his son dating the ex of the school bully and a lets make sure everyone knows he is a genius scene.

Eventually the hot one works out it’s a gravitational sinkhole and says they have 96hours until it eats the earth. Shit starts to get real as gravity is lessoned so two people can easily throw a car, tornadoes run rampant and London is destroyed also a tsunami hits Manhattan. The mayor’s brother tells him he knows how to stop it so head off to Houston.

The hot one works out the best way to stop it is to create another one next to it to cancel it out but they need to find the exact point to create it otherwise it could just make it more powerful. So they input the figures into the computer to work out the location. The calculations will take 32hours and the world will be eaten in 32hours so they set it off and hope it will finish it before they are all killed. During this time the mayor and his brother are on their way to Houston they get attacked but mange to get away.

The small town has been wreaked but the mayors son’s girlfriend can’t find her parents so they head off to look for them after the step mum gives him a gun for emergencies, which to be honest is asking for trouble. They head out but find the mayors son’s girlfriends ex who is getting his “looting” on. The mayors son’s girlfriends ex then threatens the mayors son and the mayors son’s girlfriend, so the mayors son pulls the gun out on the mayors son’s girlfriends ex. The mayor’s son’s girlfriends ex then pulls out his own gun and shoots mayors son, The mayors son’s girlfriends ex then starts to have some unrequested and uncalled for fun from mayors son’s girlfriend.

At this point we cut to the Mayors new wife wondering the school hall where the town has gathered. She suddenly realises the mayors son has left so goes to find him. With ease she seems to find the house where the “unrequested and uncalled for fun” and the bleeding to death mayors son. Where the Mayors son call her mum before he dies then she shoots The mayors son’s girlfriends ex who didn’t seem to get far in his “unrequested and uncalled for fun” ways.

We now cut to the mayor and his brother driving to Houston. Unfortunately the mayor had forgotten to bring his heart medication so he isn’t doing too well. He pulls over to help a damsel in short dress who tries to steal the car but the mayor’s brother gives them a kicking with a tyre iron and they set off.

The hot scientist is in panic the computer has crashed due to lack of memory there is no way they can finish the mathematical formula! We cut to the entrance of the NASA where the mayor is having a heart attack and his brother is trying to get in. they manage it his brother (the mayor) is taken to the medical bay. The hot one dismisses him but reconsiders when he mentions part of the code they then steal his computer and find the code. The lead military man asks the hot one what she thinks will happen she says it might create a wormhole, a parallel dimension or reverse time.

I think you can guess what happens now! Overall this was an interesting film that just like Sanctum you can see what’s going to happen but it’s an interesting ride. the hot one from Farscape definitely helped!

Current IMDB Rating: 2.9/10   My Rating: 5/10

I learnt a few things from this film though if you are setting a reality show in the middle of a forest in the middle of nowhere you should properly scout the area for deformed psychopaths.

Also you can cut someone in half with an axe and I don’t mean horizontally I mean vertically!

And if you’re out in the woods and you find a bbq with no one around its most likely to be human meat cooking.

In the end I think the film would have been improved with a little Faith .

Current IMDB Rating 5.5/10 My Rating 6/10

With a screenplay written by Hayao Miyazaki, and with animator Hiromasa Yonebayashi making a solid first impression as a director, Arrietty has become one of my firm Ghibli favourites to date and will hopefully not disappoint other Ghibli lovers.

In an easy to grasp storyline we follow Arrietty, a fourteen year old borrower, who lives with her parents, underneath the floorboards of a beautiful country house. When she is accidentally seen by Shô, a twelve year boy who moves into the house to live with his Aunt, Arrietty’s parent’s warn her to stay away from him because, as a ‘human bean’, he is a potential threat who could expose or destroy their harmless existence. Of course, being a main teenage protagonist, Arrietty goes against her parents’ warnings and continues to interact with Shô and soon enough curiosity for one another melts into a sugary sweet kind of friendship.

As with any Studio Ghibli film the attention to detail is fantastic; from individual raindrops rolling down leaves, to ants devouring sugar cubes, every little element is scooped up and bottled for the audience’s pleasure. Even inside Arrietty’s house there is little post stamps pinned on the walls like framed pictures. Pod, Arrietty’s father, make-shifts his own abseiling equipment- Blue Peter style- using thread and fishing hooks, and even manages to use double sided sticky tape for Spider-Man-esque climbing. It’s truly amazing how the borrowers manage find a use for every little thing us ‘human beans’ see as mundane and disposable.

Outside the house, in the only real space truly shared by the borrowers and humans, the audience is greeted by a beautiful bright and vibrant wilderness of overgrown grass and wild flowers, where a flurry of insect life thrive within. This world is complimented by compelling and thought evoking music composed by Cécile Corbel, reaching out to the audience, gently inviting them in.

This film is definitely a watch for audiences of all ages. Even a few young children sitting a few rows ahead, who I were concerned would be noisy or get bored during the parts with too much or too little dialogue (the screening was in Japanese with English subtitles), actually sat still and appeared to be mesmerised by the visually stunning spectacle unfolding in front of them.

I am happy enough to say that, after the film ended, I left the cinema feeling all warm and fuzzy with a wide smile on my face.

True Ghibli magic.

There I did it you don’t have to watch this now please see the above list in order of everything they spoof. The main problem I see is they spend too long on each one also they don’t have any purpose the majority of them don’t help the plot along. They just spoof for the point of spoofing which never makes for a good film. The only thing that made me smile was the enchanted princess but that got old as they kept abusing the same jokes.

In closing if you enjoyed Meet the Spartens and Epic Movie this will make you laugh like a spasticated donkey. If however you saw them for the piles of shit they were, avoid Disaster Movie it’s more of the same.

IMDB Rating 1.7/10 My Rating .5/10

Killing Sacred Cows.

Although used for publishing an absolute wealth of information, on the whole, blogs are used by people who want to criticise books, music or films. These people are usually unpaid (and occasionally unskilled) to do so. Thus the quality of writing varies hugely amongst blogs and there is usually a lot of chaff to be separated from the wheat, although the ADHD qualities of the web ensure that this is relatively easy. However there appears to be a trend amongst user submitted content to be overly gushing and full of praise for anything that is written about.

This clearly has roots in the idea that it’s relatively simple to write about something that one is interested in, creating a piece with pace and enthusiasm. Sometimes a writer will balance this out with lengthier pieces about how amazing something is, while comparing it to an incredible waterfall they saw somewhere once. However, the increase in writing about only things you’re interested in leaves me feeling that everyone is excited about everything. Clearly this can’t be true.

Writing a negative review is far more cathartic. Calling a spade a spade in an amusing way is a lot of fun. ‘So bad, it’s probably radioactive’ is a great example from Amazon Customer Reviews. Crushing and only 5 words long. Being a bastard quite often makes you a better writer. In fact, I’m struggling to think of a great writer who wasn’t a truly hateful human being. For example, Enid Blyton spent a great deal of her books making fun of disabled people – the bitch. To contrast, Dan Brown, I’m sure he’s a great father to his kids, but his books are absolute dogshit.

Write a review about something you don’t like. And don’t make it something that’s easy to criticise. Kill a sacred cow. In conclusion – no-one finished Midnight’s Children and there’s definitely a male prostitute in Bombay called Salman Rushdie.

Sanctum is about a large previously unexplored cave system and what happens when a large storm floods the cave trapping people inside. Just from that you can more than likely tell me the plot. If I add in the expedition leader has made his estranged Son who hates caves come along. I could also add in the selfish thrill seeking benefactor and his girlfriend who has never gone spelunking before.

However even though you could tell me the order everyone dies by or at least tell me who lives to the end, this is an enjoyable film. There were points in the film I felt the tension, I worried about the characters even though I knew they wouldn’t make it. The see it from a mile off estranged son and father getting on like proper father and son scene was touching and well done. Alister Grierson (the director) seems like he really knows how to put a scene together and get the best from the actors. I didn’t see this film in 3D due to it making my head hurt so I can’t comment on how that was, I did notice some obvious 3D moments though.

So in closing you know what’s going to happen but it will still be a fun ride.

Current IMDB 5.7/10    My Rating 6.5/10

He must have done quite well thou as he managed to have a mountain built at the end of a cul du sac to put his mansion on!

Another question when there is no answer at the large creepy house, is exploring always the best answer? And if you do go exploring and find a creature that could go by the name “Mr Stabby” do you bring it home and drop hints about how good looking your 16 year old daughter Kim (played by Winona Ryder) is?

Anyway the film starts with a young woman in dodgy old women make up trying to get her granddaughter to sleep. To help she tells a story which is the film ala princess bride.

After having an unsuccessful Avon round Peg (played by Dianne Wiest) decides to try out the creepy old house. Where after she has looked around a bit she finds Edward (played by Johnny Depp) a pasty faced simpleton with scissor’s for well not hands more fingers I guess Edward Scissorfingers sounded a bit too weird. So she decides of course to take him home with her.

However everyone loves him the local women go a bit mental for the new man on the street. He wonders around cutting bushes into T-Rex’s and dolphins, then he starts grooming dogs hair into freaky patterns the spikey dog is my favourite. Then he makes the logical jump from cutting dogs hair to cutting the local women’s hair, where again he cuts them into bizarre styles my favourite or at least the most freaky is the reverse Mohawk! But it only takes one incident for everyone to think badly of him. Then while trying to save a boy from getting hit by a car he accidently cuts him, causing the town to chase him Frankenstein style.

So he runs home to his scary abandoned mansion and hides, Kim finds him but is followed by her evil ex who tries to kill Eddy. However Eddy stabs (or should that be fingers?) him making him fall out the window where he lands dead. So Kim decides to fake Eddy’s death using another spare Scissorhand that was just lying around.

We then come back to the young lady in dodgy old lady make up again were she reveals she is Kim. I don’t know about you but I kinda guessed. She tells the kid she believes he is still alive because he makes it snow? I think this ladies medication might have got mixed up! We then see Eddy looking identical which leaves me to believe that eddy is immortal. I hope to see a sequel set in the far future and eddy is our only hope against the plant based aliens.

Current IMDB Score 8/10  My Rating 8/10.

I can’t do that, I like to appear like a normal human being, which unfortunately is not sexy and is not the kind of behaviour you want to fuck. So from a man who read “The Game” and has found the tactics of seducing women interesting, is going to just give up on all that shit because ultimately its lying. I have prided my self on honesty and acutely the art of seduction is just one by lie. I’m not that smooth, and don’t smell like that, I’m not that interesting. So why would I start off my relationship with some one who is a potential wife (due to the nature of our meeting, not because I fall in love with every woman I date).  True no?

So what do I suggest to do apart from dating? I’m not suggesting you do any thing I’m afraid, I’m just saying I don’t think dating is the way to find the “soul mate”. Maybe companionship doesn’t need to be a romantic thing. Maybe you can find companionship in a friend, no sex, no expectations. Just a friend you dedicate you life to. Maybe this is a more progressive way of thinking. Homosexuality challenged the way people thought of how a family should be like. Maybe we will have in 20 years time companionship ceremonies.

But just in case I’m not right about companionship ceremonies.

I’m Jack

I’m 21

And I like long walks on the beach