Retro Reviews – The Transformers

In the first of my ongoing series of reviews focussing on all the cartoons you remember from your childhood, and from mine, I’m going to tie up my transformers articles by looking at the original transformers cartoon.

Shooting hoops is the right of all sentient beings

Well known and (mostly) remembered by a many a geek, the original transformers cartoon aired for three seasons and a mini-series in most parts of the world. Everyone remembers the theme tune and many of the characters, and it has spawned many sequels and spinoffs since it’s debut in the 80′s.

Of course, everyone remembers it fondly – but was it really that good?

Sure, there were some episodes that were pretty exciting – like the first 3-parter, Arrival From Cybertron, which established the setup for the show, and featured a lot of action. There was also The Key to Vector Sigma, which introduced the combining teams of the Autobot Aerialbot planes, and the Decepticon Stunticon cars who were powerhouses in their own right, and the episode War Dawn, which shows the origins of Optimus Prime, and the beginnings of the war on Cybertron, amongst other good episodes.

a SLIGHT error in animation in this shot...

Of course – there were also a whole bunch of fucking terrible episodes, full of shoddy and awful animation, dumb-as-hell plots with stupid half-assed ideas in them, and mind-breaking problems in continunity between character design, plot, and abilities and more, often within the same episode. Many of these came in the third season when there was less money and more of the work was being farmed out to other companies, and the writing was of a much lower standard.

Of course, reviewing one of the good episodes would be easy, and I’d

Everyone except the two Decepticons at the front is miscoloured in this picture.

thoroughly enjoy watching it.
But that wouldn’t be nearly as funny, so instead here’s a review of two of the worst episodes known to fans everywhere – City of Steel, the third episode of Season two, and Surprise Party, the 12th Episode from Season three, and featuring everyone’s two least favourite characters, Wheelie and Daniel. Why these two episodes? Well, why not.

City of Steel

So, the episode begins with Lazerbeak flying past the Statue of Liberty, and entering New York City. Nobody notices or comments on the giant mechanical eagle, and the sound of his rumbling jet engines, and likewise nobody notices him using his laser cannons to levitate a manhole into the air. Well, I guess it’s New York. Those guys have seen everything.
Presumably it’s one fucking big manhole, as he then flies down it and into the sewer, where the Decepticons have established a secret base.

Now, let’s just take a moment here. The Autobots and Decepticons are stranded billions of miles, and 4 million years from their home planet and their civilisation. The Autobots are known and in contact with the US Government, but the Decepticons are hated and feared. However, the Autobots never establish any bases – but the badguys are constantly building shiny metal bases everywhere! where the do they get all their shit from?

Anyway, somehow, the Decepticons have built a massive base under New York, and no one has noticed. Presumably they also didn’t file a building permit, the Fiends!
The Constructicons actually do some constructing, and sink the Empire State Building beneath the streets and into their secret base, which is apparently part of some Master Plan of Megatrons’.

Meanwhile, the Autobots see this on TV, and Optimus Prime blames Megatron instantly, with no evidence (although, y’know who else was it going to be? Cobra?). They rush to NYC to put a stop to his shenanigans.

Some of the Autobots arrive, inexplicably using hydrofoils to skate over the water. They see Lazerbeak and… well, nothing really comes of it, and they

Nobody notices Bluestreak shrinking

rendezvous in Central Park and have a bit of a comical slap-fight, before Megatron shows up, abducts Optimus Prime, and renders him a cripple in his secret lair, before raising a phallic-looking Cybertronian building in the Empire States’ place, declaring the city to be ‘New Cybertron City!’
Oh Noes! What will the Autobots do now?

Well, after the commerical break, it turns out that the city has been evacuated – it’s apparently much easier than movies, tv, and the real-world have otherwise made out – and the Autobots sneak into the sewers, where

"Wow, if i can survive this, how do I die in the Movie?"

they encounter a robot alligator, made from bits of Optimus Prime, on Megatrons’ orders.

No, really.
Spike, Bumblebee, Ratchet and Hound manage to drive the robot alligator into a subway train, and send it on it’s way, before discovering the location of Optimus’ dismembered head. They repair him so he can talk, and then set about recovering his body parts, but are missing his right arm, which Megatron had mounted, with it’s gun, on the top of a tower as a freakish gun turret. Soundwave repeatedly clicks the fire button, and the gun-arm inaccurately strafes the Autobots, while Megatron cackles incessantly.
Our heroes are dooooooooomed

Fortunately, the Autobots survive the commerical break, and escape the badly-aimed barrage by transforming into the vehicle modes and driving around hapharzardly. After not paying attention to driving or where they

I wonder how long it will take for a company to make a toy of this.

were going in any way, Bluestreak and Hound fall into a hole that appeared from nowhere that leads into the subway.  They fight Rumble, who turns into Frenzy, who turns into Rumble again in a subway train, which is surprisingly resilient to laser cannon fire, before it explodes, while Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Bumblebee and Optimus are attacked by…

KILLER TAXIS!

They somehow find them hard to beat, but eventually discover the secret of levitation long enough to jump over them with no ramp whatsoever in their car modes, before Optimus rams them all and destroys them. They then begin to scale the side of the decepticon-state-building. Sideswipe learns to fly long enough to take out Starscream, but then forgets how to again, while the others climb up the building.
Spike and Bumblebee infiltrate the control room, and trick Megatron into shooting the base controls.
Well that’s fucking dumb of him. No wonder the war on Cybertron went so badly – he probably blew up half of his own bases and equipment because he was startled by a spider on his chair.

Anyhow, he then sends Devastator, the combined robot form of the Constructicons, after the Autobots, who, rather predictably, proceeds to climb up the building like King Kong, while speaking in the third person. Wheeljack, who has been conspicuously absent since the start of the episode, attacks him with remote control helicopters that fire rockets (maybe he was building them?), which do little, and then gives up completely, despite them not being destroyed.

Optimus takes control of his arm again, despite being grabbed by Devastator, who is waving him around like a kid with an actual Optimus Prime figure, and then blasts him with his gun, which for some reason is insanely powerful, and topples Devastator with one shot.

The Decepticons all fly away, Optimus pulls himself together (they use that pun in the show, too), and everyone lives happily ever after – until the next episode.

So, that was insane, dumb, yet somehow I’m left grinning at how stupid it was. I don’t hate it, I just think it’s incredibly silly. I’m sure my four-or-five year old mind would have enjoyed that episode at the time, but as an adult, I can see how idiotic it is.
Speaking of which, onto the next one!

Surprise Party

The Episode starts with the Season 3 opening, complete with it’s hilariously mis-coloured Springer-as-Kup (there’s a toy in there somewhere, Hasbro! Limited edition repaint!), which was never, ever corrected. For thirty-three fucking episodes! Then onto the real fun!

Hey it's Kup- Wait, WHAT?! and what's up with Ultra Magnus' FACE!

So, the episode opens with Daniel being surprised by his dad, Spike, and the majority of the Autobot army, who have little to do, apparently, except celebrate the birthdays of small human boys.

This seems surprising, since Galvatron, leader of the Decepticons, is watching on a monitor. Considering he can spy on his enemies’ HQ with such impunity, I would’ve thought the Autobots would have their work cut out, and Galvatron would’ve kicked their asses by now – but hey, whatever. All the same, he gets pissed he’s not invited to the party, and attacks Cybertron. The combaticons (decepticons who turn into military vehicles) attack and destroy two of the Autobot shuttles, one of which looks remarkably like the Aerialbot Fireflight, who’s jet mode is an F-4 Phantom jet fighter. One of the combaticons also looks a lot like Hound.

Wheelie suicide charges the Decepticons for no apparent reason, and for some reason the others decide not to let him die and free themselves of his rhyming bullshit, and instead Ultra Magnus shields him with his body, taking a shot to the robo-kidneys.

Dammit First Aid, your hands are cold!

Amazed by this display of heroics for a comedy relief character, the Combaticons, including the robot they combine into, along with their seperate forms. Yes, that’s right – the robot they combine into, Bruticus, is present in the same shot as their uncombined forms, in a tiny form, escape into a GIANT version of their space-shuttle comrade, Blast-off, and flee.

Daniel decides that Ultra Magnus should have a surprise party too, which I’m sure he’ll feel in the mood for after getting shot in the robot-kidneys, and set off to find out when he was built, while Spike and the others wangst about the shuttle and the upcoming ‘peace conference’.

Wheelie and Daniel, the worlds most annoying partnership, scour the archives and find only an archive bot who is also annoyed by them, and tells them that Ultra Magnus’ birthday isn’t on record, except for on some archive asteroid that is apparently lost.
They need a ship to get there, and Wheelie takes Daniel to a hangar full of immaculate shuttles.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong – but didn’t the Combaticons attack the hangar at the start of the episode? And didn’t they trash all the shuttles? Furthermore, didn’t Spike and the others head off to find out if the shuttles could be repaired? They’ve got a hangar full of perfectly good ones here!

Anyway, the Dullard Duo head off to the asteroids’ last known location. Meanwhile, using his omnipotent viewscreen, Cyclonus, Galvatrons’ right-hand man, notices… and does nothing about it.

Now it's Wheelies turn to fly, you and I will surely die!

Wheelie and Daniel fly into an asteroid field, which turns into a meteor shower, and crash-land on the asteroid, where they’re attacked by flying scaly eel things. Wheelie, despite being part of the Autobot army, is apparently unarmed, and transforms and drives away to head them off.

This doesn’t really work, probably because Wheelie sucks, and Daniel is an idiot. They somehow manage to disgust the eel-things into going away, and then instead get shot at by the guard robots of the archive base that they’d fortunately happened upon.
Just as they’re about to finally bite the bullet (or laser, or whatever), Cyclonus and his henchmen the Sweeps – who are not a cadre of evil chimmney sweeps, alas – turn up, and prove that they are sincerely evil, and save Daniel and Wheelie from certain doom.

Dumb and dumber reveal all within seconds, and Cyclonus sets the asteroid, that looks suspiciously like a moon, onto a collision course with Cybertron. The Autobots receive a signal from the base, and Cyclonus, in true villain style, reveals his evil plan.
The autobots rush to save their home world and everyone on it, and respond in full force…

…by sending only Sky Lynx and Ultra Magnus (who was injured earlier!) to stop the planetoid on a collision course. Somehow, Wheelie and Daniel also escape. Magnus and Sky Lynx make short work of the flying eel-things, because they bought fucking guns with them, and then kick the Sweeps’ asses too.
Cyclonus and Magnus get in a punch-up, while Wheelie saves the day.

Cyclonus and Magnus get in a punch-up, while Wheelie saves the day.

Wheelie saves the day!

by pressing the button marked ‘self destruct’, which requires no authorisation, and has no covers or other systems to prevent it being pressed accidentally or anything.
Man, the Autobots build some crappy bases – malfunctioning guard androids, doors a human child and an unarmed robot could break into, and easily labelled and accesible self-destructs? No wonder their planet is fucked up.

Anyway, they all escape, and Daniel and Wheelie reveal they wanted to have a surprise party for Magnus, who doesn’t seem to give a shit, or know when his own birthday is. Spike comes up with the idea that that day should be his birthday, forever marked by the near-death of his son, and the destruction of a small planetoid, and everyone cheers hip-hip-hooray!

So two episodes of the cartoon that are far from the worst, but typical of some of the sub-par or run of the mill episodes. And certainly of the far, far weaker third season of the TV show that followed the movie.

They both also show the low production values by the amount of lazy animating or animation errors, as well as the stupid plots – but they still entertained me, and it was still somewhat enjoyable, if in an intensely dumb way.

The series still has some appeal, and some of the better episodes are still pretty good, and it’s hard to resist the warm enveloping bosom of nostalgia as she nestles me with her sweet, sweet familiarity.

Tags: cartoons, Retro Reviews, Reviews, transformers

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