Unbored

So, another week, and after a short absence, here I am to entertain you with another trip into the past and another look at an old cartoon.

This week it’s the turn of another well-known franchise in the spotlight, famous for it’s toys, comics, and also one that has had a live-action movie made.
It’s the Real American Hero, GI Joe.

GI Joe started out in the USA  as a series of 12-inch articulated action figures, thought up by someone during the 1960′s as a counterpart for boys to girls’ dress-up-and-play dolls. The figures came with removable clothing and varieties of weapons, and as time passed, the line grew more diverse, and the figures became smaller following the great success of Star Wars toys, which were in a similar size.
For their size, the figures were extremely well articulated (although had ugly joints), and there was a bewildering array of vehicles available for both the good guys – the Joes – and their enemies – Cobra, a snake-themed terrorist organisation.

Over time, the original aim of GI Joe as a military force became less and less realistic, as the character ideas grew steadily more outlandish. However, this didn’t seem to dampen kids’ interest at all, and comics and cartoons of the toys were soon spilling into the spotlight during the 80′s, on the wave of merchandise-based cartoons that were so popular.

GI Joe at one time was as popular as Transformers, with it’s own cartoon, comics, figures, and so on – but I always come up with one curious anomaly when remembering this. Despite most people knowing of GI Joe, and even knowing most of the theme tune, or some things related to it – Nobody I knew ever remembers watching it!
I found this a curious anomaly, but then I also don’t remember seeing it myself until I was much older, so perhaps it wasn’t just me, and it never did have much of an airing in the UK.
One other curiosity about the GI Joe in the UK is that it wasn’t GI Joe at all!

When the series was localised to Europe, and especially the UK, it was re-branded as ‘Action Force’, and was pitched as a spinoff of the Action Man toyline that had always been popular, and filled the same niche as GI Joe toys did in the USA and elsewhere.
Action Man had always had comics and suchlike, usually telling tales of military adventure and derring-do (Oh how the mighty have fallen…), and Palitoy, the company who produced the Action Man figures, also took the step of producing smaller figures following Star Wars toys’ popularity. The line took off well, and many figures, vehicles, and such were released, in several yearly waves, with a few molds borrowing from GI Joe ones initially, but the majority being brand-new.
However, things changed when one of the toy companys’ owners died, and Palitoy allowed Hasbro to take over. They began rebranding GI Joe as Action Force, and tied the storyline into one whole.
Over time, the distinctions disappeared, and the two became one and the same thing, with Action Force, INTERNATIONAL HEROES sadly disappearing, and the REAL AMERICAN HERO taking over.

Oh, and just for the record? The Action Force theme tune sounds way way less crap than the GI Joe one.

Anyway, looking at that should give you the hint that it wasn’t really especially a ‘conventional’ military unit, being as how it contained a variety of people – soldiers, sailors, wrestlers, models, and American Football players, and Cobra was equally ‘varied’ with their army of soldiers, robots, and biker gangs.
Similarly, the cartoon dealt with Cobra’s plots being less actual military or terrorist plots (Kidnapping, extortion, suicide bombing, car bombs, insurrection, etc) and more Saturday morning cartoon friendly, such as taking over the world by stealing things like solar energy converters or other such MacGuffins of the week, or some other fantastically outlandish and rediculous plan – despite having a huge army of fighter planes, tanks, and robots, and never resorting to all-out warfare.

The GI Joe cartoon was all the same solid material for Saturday Morning cartoons, and continued for two syndicated seasons totalling 95 aired episodes, as well as three mini-series of four episodes each under the Sunbow company, who also made the Transformers cartoon. A further series was aired in 1999 under a new animation and production company, DiC, and lasted for two seasons for a total of 44 episodes, and several other incarnations as mini-series or one-offs have appeared since then.
An animated movie was also produced, and was originally planned for a theatrical release, like the Transformers  and My Little Pony movies. But the  GI Joe movie was instead released direct to video instead, as the other movies performed poorly at the box-office.

Which is a blessing in the case of the GI Joe movie, as it was fucking terrible, involving some idiotic plot about an ancient society of snake-worshipping mutants who lived in the Himalayas, and of whom Cobra Commander was secretly a member. Various other idiotic things were also mentioned, all of which contradicted established facts (such as they were) in the cartoon, and ultimately the film is regarded poorly on the whole, and disliked by fans and non-fans alike, and the movie has become a curio on DVD and the internet.

Of course, it’s the series that everyone remembers most, and that I’m here to review. To do it some justice, I’ve decided to review one episode from the original Sunbow run of episodes, and one from the DiC run of episodes too, and see what the difference (if any) is.
So, without further ado, let’s get into things!

Lights, Camera, Cobra!

So, the episode opens with the theme tune, as above (still not as good as the Action Force one), and then Cobra and the Joes (Yo Joe! – though makes me wonder what they said in Action Force?) are engaged in a fight – and here’s one of the things I remember the most.
The Joes and Cobra never used real guns that fire bullets, despite, or perhaps because of, being an elite military force and the world’s most powerful terrorist organisation, oh no – they had LAZORS! PEW PEW PEW!

The Joes arrive in 1950′s vintage helicopters, and the Cobras are using curiosly realistic looking vehicles too. Duke (leader of the Joes) jumps Cobra Commander (Leader of the… well his name gives it away), and they both tears through a wall… and it turns out it’s all a movie set!
Gosh! What a surprise!

Anyhow, the producer, or whoever he is – it’s not made clear – storms off, declaring he won’t film unless he’s got authentic equipment and some advisors from GI Joe.
At Cobra HQ, Destro, the Cobras’ arms dealer (Yes, apparaently they have one specifically), arrives in Cobra Commanders’ office to tell him that they’ve tracked down a captured Cobra fighter jet at the film lot, and he’s worried about it giving away their location. Cobra Commander hires a bunch of his allied Mercenaries, the Dreadnoks and their leader Zartan (a master of disguise) to recapture the vehicles, and put a stop to the shenanigans. What a party pooper!

Also worth noting is the fact he hires the Dreadnoks for 4 million dollars in gold ingots.
If the man has that kind of money to throw away at his disposal, the question begs, why the shit is he a terrorist?
It’s never made exactly clear what Cobra’s ideals and goals are. Terrorists are usually defined by having some set goal and ideal to achieve – the IRA wanted Northern Ireland to be part of Ireland again, Hezbollah want Israel to be gone, the Basque seperatists want the Basque lands of France and Spain to be a seperately governed area – but there’s no clear indication of what exactly it is that Cobra wants. But whatever it is, it apparently allows them to have masses of money, resources, and manpower at their disposal, as well as the ingenuity to hide all of this somewhere where no-one has bombed the living fuck out of all of it so far to stop them.

Anyway, logical reasons for violence aside, the Joes also send an unlikely bunch of  ‘advisors’  for the movie, who look not unlike the village people, especially as one of them is a sailor, with most unexpected voice ever – i.e. – he looks like the stereotypical sailor, with a little hat and everything – but does not sound like a salty sea-dog at all. One of them is also ‘Cover Girl’, who is a Fashion model turned special forces soldier, which is the weirdest career change I’ve ever heard of.
They go along to the movie set, where the nefarious Cobras have set up a nefarious trap… or they’re going to, anyway.

Shipwreck (the sailor) makes up an excuse to go and get some movie equipment, instead going to a bar and getting in a bar fight (you actually see it!) and Cover Girl follows him to keep him out of trouble – which she fails at.

Meanwhile, Zartan, who is using his mastery of diguise to appear as… himself, but being played by an actor (STUNNING), antagonises one of the Joes so much that they have a motorcycle race using their respective sides vehicles.

Oh, that reminds me – according to the movie director, the authentic Cobra vehicles were turned over to the move by the US Government.
Yes, that’s right – after capturing advanced military hardware from the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisation, the US Government gave it to a movie producer.
Imagine if that happened in real life.

Anyway, the two Joes are injured after the Dreadnoks attack and cause their bike to crash, leaving Zartan and the others to topple a wooden water tower onto the Director and the other film crew, and Shipwreck about to be in trouble with the police!

OH NOES!

The Dreadnoks attack, and cause utter chaos on the film set, destroying the filming equipment, but Junkyard sets his dog (imaginatively named ‘Mutt’) on them, and the remaining Joes drive them off, stopping Zartan from destroying the Firebat jet.
The others return, and Shipwreck is bailed out. They take the Cobra jets to look for the missing Joes from the race, while Cobra Commander scolds Zartan for the failiure to destroy the jet.

Around this scene, I suddenly realised something about the incidental music – it sounds awfully familiar, almost as if… Sunbow used the same music from the transformers!
In an awfully cheaptastic move, the incidental music is actually the same music reused from the animated transformers series, creating a weird sense of deja-vu in my case, being familiar with both series!

So, Dusty and Rocondo (if that’s how you spell it?) are being stalked by Coyotes, where they’re both still stuck in the desert. Shipwreck rescues them in one of the Cobra flying pod vehicles, but then leaves them behind (which is reasonable, as there’s no passenger space), but is ambushed by the Dreadnoks as he gets back, and through a series of unlikely events, ends up getting stuck in the plane as it returns to Cobra HQ under remote control.

Anyways, Shipwreck ends up at Cobra HQ, and proceeds to put up a reasonable accounting of himself, slugging Cobra Commander and Destro in the face, before getting a rifle butt to the back of the head. And then Cobra Commander announces to have him taken inside for their ‘amusement’…

….Snigger. Maybe that’s Cobra’s goal – recognising Man-love throughout the world. Although that would suggest Shipwreck in his little sailor’s hat is on the wrong side.

So, the Joes come up with a plan to get Shipwreck back by using the Hollywood studio magic, while Cobra Commander uses elaborate torture methods – Shipwreck standing on a steel beam over molten metal, while Cobra soldiers shoot at him – and miss, though I’m willing to believe it’s deliberate to try and make him fall in – and a James Bond pastiche quote to ‘Amuse’ himself with Shipwreck.

I also noticed that Cobra Commanders’ voice is very familiar too…

So, Cover Girl’s plan is to use their captured Dreadnok to bring Cobra running, by showing him being tortured, which is an elaborate deception using camera trickery.

The message is sent on Cobra’s Ultra-Secret Frequency – By one of the Joes. Which means it can’t be very secret at ALL – and even if it was, the cobra soldier reporting it, does so in front of Shipwreck.
This does indeed bring Cobra running, as Cobra Commander is worried about their location being revealed – despite having a Joe on the base – and then the Joes also come running, and there’s a big ‘ol fight.
The movie crew also finally get their battle footage, as the Joes Conduct an airstrike on a civilian target to get rid of the Cobra, and we see the other thing besides Lazors that GI Joe is famous for – guys coming down on parachutes after their planes are shot down, which is laughably going to lengths to avoid showing anyone being killed in the show.

The huge battle is captured on film, and Cobra Commander escapes thanks to Destro, and the Joes are annoyed he escaped, but get to see the movie all the same – but the Director doesn’t credit the Joes, much to Shipwreck’s annoyance, as he threatens, in an almost perfect imitation of Scrappy-Doo, to ‘murdilise ‘em’, while the othes hold him back.

So, all in all, a none-too-special episode. A lot happens in it, but as a result it feels kind of jumbled, and the plot is a bit lackluster and dull, compared to some of the more exciting and wider-scoped ones found in comic books or other Joe episodes. It also focused on some of the less interesting cast, and I was disappointed I didn’t see Flint, Lady Jaye, or any of the Joe characters I remember from my young days – and had as figures – although I did have one of Shipwreck, now I recall.

So, let’s move onto the next episode and see if it’s any better.

‘Chunnel’

Well, this is going to be hilarious already – it’s about the Eurotunnel.

The episode opens with a hilariously inaccurate depiction of London, with GREEN London buses going back and forth, and a badly-realised Tower Bridge shown. The Chunnel is also shown in London, rather than being anywhere near the Channel, while a voice supposedly belonging to the Queen conducts a speech opening the tunnel.

One interesting piece of difference that comes up right away between this series by DiC and the previous Sunbow series is obvious immediately – the animation is far more primitive in the DiC series, and looks completely different. The colours are all far brighter, and the designs less technical or detailed than the Sunbow show.

So, the hilariously inaccurate Chunnel visuals continue, with there apparently being a station underground, and a character who is presumably supposed to be Queen Elizabeth II (there’s a Corgi shown at her feet) reading the dedication. A rumbling occurs, and for some reason, rather than being accompanied by Armed Police, MI5 or any other security forces that would accompany the Queen, instead five soldiers of the Coldstream Guards, for some reason equipped also with bolt-action rifles, instead of assault rifles, react to the sudden, and completely expected appearance of Cobra Commander through a wall. Cobra Commander abducts – oh, sorry, Cobra Commander – Queen-naps, the Queen – and then escapes into the opening credits – which are Awful.

After the horrendous noise, the terribly English -what-what-what-cup-of-tea-shine-your-shoes-guvnor- (ARRRRRGGGHHHH) ‘Big Ben’ (ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH) calls some other Joes in to help rescue the Queen. Duke and Scarlet are shopping in London in their full combat gear, and are stampeded to death by shoppers, leaving only a russian guy, and some other dude as well as Big Ben to rescue the Queen. Despite the odds, Big Ben announces in his painfully bad accent

“Come on Lads, let’s save the Queen!”

So, off the merry band of fuckwits go.
I already hate this much more than the previous episode. What did they do for research? Read the word ‘England’?

The horrible parody of the Queen wonders if Cobra Commander is a circus performer, and then a snake charmer. BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY. HE WEARS A MASK. SHE IS THE QUEEN, AND KNOWS NOTHING, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry, let me find my medication.

…

Yes, despite Cobra being the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisation, and having threatened the security of the free world on several dozen separate occasions, apparaently the state leader of the United Kingdom, one of America’s staunch allies, has never heard of them. GO FIGURE.
Starscream Cobra Commander is less than pleased, of course, and follows the Queen as she walks off. Meanwhile, the rest of the Cobra play with the dog, for no good reason.

The Joes show up, and a small and stupid gunfight happens, with the Joes doing some fancy and improbable driving to get past.
Ugh, I so don’t care anymore – this episode is dire, and the DiC series is so much worse. Everything is more comedic, and the colours are so BRIGHT, it hurts.

Anyway, the tunnel is breached, and water starts to fill the tunnel, causing trouble for everyone, as Cobra Commander escapes with the ‘Queen’, leaving the Joes in a tunnel filling rapidly with water. Hopefully they’ll drown.

Sadly, the return after the ads does not start with a funeral service for the lost Joes, so on we go.
The SCUBA equipped Joe manages to close the tunnel safety door, and use the abandoned Cobra vehicle to get them out of the tunnel. Meanwhile, Cobra Commander and the other idiots are being attacked by the Corgi, while Cobra Commander scrapes and grovels to the Queen, for some reason. She berates him, and he finally reveals his plan to steal the Crown Jewels… for some reason.

Duke and Scarlet are apparently at the Tower of London (still wearing full combat gear..) and end up meeting the bad guys who are armed, yet do not instantly decide to fight armed terrorists in the heart of London, and are somehow defeated by the bumbling and incompetent Cobra lackeys. Cobra Commander and his goons escape, with Cobra Commander deciding he wants to be King of England.
Duke and Scarlet escape from the Tower, while Big Ben (AAAARRRRGGGHHHH) escape from the Chunnel, and are attacked by a Cobra jet, piloted by the most incompetent of all Cobra Commanders’ minions, and the Corgi.
The diver guy shoots down the plane with a rifle, but not before it damages the train and shoots out the brakes (very precise shooting…), leaving the Joes ‘Special’ team on a crazy train.

Duke and Scarlett use one of the Joes vehicles to ram the train to a stop in a fairly reasonable representation of Waterloo station. The Joes go after Cobra Commander, who is idiotically not realising that the people in the palace are bowing to the Queen not him… not that everyone bows to the Queen anyway…

The Joes storm the palace, while the Queen tells the Cobra that they’re basically useless and smell bad. Cobra Commander reveals he has bombs planted everywhere across London, which ought to stop them. Cobra Commander goes crazy and starts appointing the idiots with him into royal positions.

A random battle takes place outside, as the Joes decide that assaulting the Palace isn’t a priority, and instead engage in a physics-defying dogfight with Cobra, including slowing a jet down enough to open the canopy and pick someone up, before they decide to stop Cobra Commander again. They get into the palace, and corner Cobra Commander, who holds the Queen hostage. However, she fights her way out by stamping on Cobra Commanders’ foot, and setting a Corgi on him – which is evidently enough to cause him to retreat…
Wow. He’s a pretty shitty terrorist.

Anyway, the Queen congratulates the Joes, and they accept an offer for tea, as well as letting Scarlett spend the states’ money on shopping, before the end credits roll.

So. The DiC cartoon was a big pile of DiCs, and far more silly and comedic than the Sunbow one, which was hardly a rigid and gritty depiction of Cold War counter-terrorism and hi-tech warfare itself. All in all, I’d say that GI Joe deserves to be remembered with a sense of humour and as a campy item of ridicule way more than the other things I’ve reviewed so far.
The reincarnations of GI Joe in comics for the fans who’ve grown up some more and now have better ideas of what makes a good story and good action are apparently a lot more mature and well thought out, as are the original comic books, which also have more deep and involved plots, as well as more realistic action and combat, as well as simply better characters.

There is also the GI Joe: Resolute series which came out in 2009 as a short series of episodes available only online, which are aimed at a PG-13 audience, and forgo the lazors and parachutes for more realistic and dramatic action, with real danger and a better storyline by Warren Ellis, which I would recommend checking out.

While GI Joe might be remembered in the same breath as Transformers, I wouldn’t say it holds up as well in it’s animated form, and while it’s fun to remember, it’s nothing special, after all.

Besides, Action Force was a much better name.