Apparently Square-Enix are very excited about releasing their new game. <Cough-inAmericaandEurope – Cough>.

I’m sure we’re all jumping up and down in our seats with joy induced seizures, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s take a look at what the video actually tells us about the new game!

1. You won’t hate the characters any more than that presenter.

This guy:

I call him Señor Tossbag.

And what he does best is reading his pretentious script with his best impression of a smug bastard while staring at the camera with the dead-eyed expression of a man who knows exactly what he’s doing and just wants it to be over. Smoothly talking about how these games are the greatest thing since the invention of sex back in 1785. Every word that spews out of this guys’ mouth will make you want to punch the screen.

2. The characters will have even more stupid names than ever before.

Lightning, Snow, Vanille, Hope… I just don’t understand why they have a character named after the most boring flavour of Ice-Cream. My first thought was ‘At least they’re not as bad as the ones in Eternal Sonata.’ Then I remembered that having gangrene in my genitals would be better than Eternal Sonata.

.

3. The developers have designed the battle system with ‘Paradigm shift’…

I don’t think even they know what that means.

4. The theme tune will be sung by…

Leona Lewis.

In the most out-of-left-field thing to say about the game, Leona Lewis will be singing the theme songs for the game. So our turn based fighty angst will be accompanied with ‘bleeding love’… This could actually work depending on how the song is and how the game uses it. But it still seems a bit weird to me.

5. In-Game footage:

‘An exclusive never before seen look at Final fantasy XIII’ which consists of about seven seconds of incomprehensible footage of androgynous protagonists hitting monsters and numbers floating in the air… This makes just as much sense whether you’ve played the games before or not. We learn that a) There is fighting and b) You get to ride a chicken… whoop de do!

6. Yes, but when’s it out?

In an infuriatingly condescending twist, Señor Tossbag pretends not to know the release date, the one real announcement of the video and the only reason you’ve watched the last five minutes of this dross… As the camera pulls out and you start to reach for your favourite hitting stick to deliver retribution for this deception, the scenery becomes the release date. So this way you get to feel like you’ve been lied to and insulted without having anything to actually be angry about!

Am I looking forward to this game? I would be if I had any indication that the game wasn’t going to be anywhere near as conceited as this video.

The problem is that this video perfectly encapsulates how many people actually feel about these games. But the developers shouldn’t believe their own bullshit, there’s something about hearing ludicrous claims and hype around a product that makes you immediately hate the finished article when it inevitably fails to live up to it.

Just look at the upcoming ‘Ferngully with Aliens’ movie that the Titanic guy won’t stop banging on about!

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